Through my glasses to the masses

[peaces]

2010-09-23T21:37:00.001-04:00

new blog.
glassictimes.com

click it
it is your meal ticket

[geeez]

2010-09-15T15:05:00.002-04:00

mr betes called my office.
me: whattp
mr betes: how do you spell repetitive
me: r-e-p-e-t-i-t-i-v-e
mr betes: cool thanks man.

seriously? come on man! i was about to call him back and i imagined this happening.
mr betes: hello?
me: hey how do you spell dog
mr betes: AW FUCK YOU LARRY
me: LOL

so i'm thinking of starting a website
vote for the best possible website name for me >>>>>

[the heist]

2010-09-14T14:25:00.003-04:00

so my company is like dunder mifflin.
office staff, warehouse staff. our warehouse got broken into last night. they stole an estimated worth of $30,000. DAAAAAYAM.they think it was a former employee of ours cause it was someone who knew their way around the warehouse.
and i'm thinkin they got away with it. what did they steal? i have no idea. im tryin to find out but no one tells me anything.
couldn't have been me. i just dont have the guts to do that kind of shit. i always wanted to from watching shit like oceans eleven and italian job. but real thieves aren't classy and nice like mark wahlberg and george clooney.
could've it been beardy? maybe. but 99% sure he didn't. too nice. or is that the perfect cover up?
could've it been mr betes? no. too lazy. i bet if i put $10000 on the second floor and told him that its his if he wanted it, he'd just say AW FUCK LARRY WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME $10000 AND PUT IT ON TOP OF THE STAIRS?! he probably woulda asked me to get it and give me 2% of it. he's dumb like that too. anyways he wouldn't fit through the warehouse door lol.
could've if it been that former warehouse employee who left to go to lunch and never came back? yes. now that i think about it, he still owes me $4. bastard. i am a victim of heinous crimes.

Stan, the production manager: "should i call the police?"
me: no, better call..
scottie: encyclopedia brown!
everybody: ahahahaha
jeremy: OR nancy drew
everybody: ahahahah
motherfucker stole my moment. i was going to say john mcclain (bruce willis, die hard). but i guess their answer was better. STILL!! THAT WAS SO MY MOMENT! way to steal my thunder guys. that is the true crime of the story.

i was watching dragonheart yesterday. dennis quaid and sean connery as the dragon. dennis quaid's "accent" was going in and out. bad acting.

[conference again]

2010-09-13T15:10:00.001-04:00

i had to attend an architect conference this weekend.
i also had to go out for tommys bday. i think i blacked out a little bit.
you can imagine how hungover i was. like wow really hungover.

there was some cool stuff. this one place was handing out these wooden planes you construct. everybody was making them and throwing them around.

looked pretty cool. so i got excited and made one. and i threw it.
right at a lady's head. she did not look happy. my face turned red, i apologized, walked away. this kind of stuff only happens to me.
anyways i met some vendors. jane and brian.
jane was a nice lady. laughs a lot, and has a daughter that goes to george mason. her daughter is in track, and plays lacrosse. she loves it there, but is so busy with classes. especially with the art classes. its not that she's lacks the skill, but because her mind wanders off a lot. she probably got that from her father. i know this because she told me. when all i asked her was "are you a ravens fan"
brian... has a hot wife.

jane couldn't make it to the conference on thursday cause she was sick.
me: how are you feeling?
jane: a lot better. i was in the bathroom alll day. i think i had food poisoning.
me: ohh that sucks.
jane: yeah i constantly had the runs! like couldn't eat anything.
me: ....ohh...
brian: HAHA oh man yeah when i get food poisoning i crap all the time.

i was weirded out. such gross conversations. its like talking with thunder and lightening again.
a few hours later, this guy comes up and talks to some people. supposedly brian knew him.
brian whispers "hey jason."
it was really weird. why not say it loud? or just not say it all? i think it was one of those he kind of hesitated to say hi or not cause it looked like this jason fellow was walking towards us but then got intercepted by another greeter.
i just felt soooo awkward.
cause brian KNEW i heard his whisper, and he KNOWS i'm thinking "what the fuck was that whisper for"

anyways
its monday.

[glasses need to be on]

2010-09-10T15:18:00.001-04:00

im sitting at my desk. im tired as shit. i shouldn't be eating pizza and staying up late on thursday.
anyways i took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes.
i reached over to get my glasses and jumped. for .000001 seconds, i said FUCK in my mind.
for a second, i thought there was a scorpion on my desk but it was just my stapler. it was one of those like OMG wait moments.
okay remember the mind plays tricks on you. this is why i wear glasses.

this is what i was going to write about yesterday. hence the title "baby at the door" but i forgot.
couple weeks ago i went to 7-11. in manassas. why do i have to say manassas? theres clearly a big difference between a 7-11 manassas and a mclean 7-11.
so i'm texting as i open the door and walk in. i feel something squishy hit my foot. waht the fuck was that?!
i look down and it was a baby. sitting on the floor. in front of the door.
WHY THE FUCK would YOU PUT A BABY IN FRONT OF THE DOOR?! her overweight, white trailer trash mom was talking to her friend at the counter. did i say anything? no. this lady looked like she wouldve been one of those "DONT TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY DAUGHTER" and shit. no, don't want to deal with that shit.
i then grab a soda and i hear another guy walk in and say "what the!"
this baby is gonna get trampled. and then i hear a black guy, guessing the father yell "Marrisa(?) get the baby away from the door!"
and the mom did. the baby daddy looked like he was straight from 1993 rap music video. anyways, they got out of the store.
after i paid my shit, i went towards the door to leave. my mouth dropped.
the baby was in front of the door again! not only that! her mouth was on the door! she was licking the crack of window and the door frame!!!
LIKE EW!!!! WHAT THE FUCK! EW EW EW EW!! and there her parents were. lighting up a cigarette. not even facing the kid.
if i walked out without paying attention i wouldve 100% knocked the baby unconcious with the door.
finally they saw what she was doing. and moved her about 2 feet.
got in my car. looked at the baby again.
they gave her a lollipop.
she drops the lollipop.
puts it back in her mouth.
these so called parents didn't even notice.
i dont have any kids, so i could be wrong. but...i dont think you should be picking up lollipops from the 7-11 side walk and putting it back in your mouth. just my opinion.
got a weird feeling that the baby is gonna turn out just like the mother. if lion king taught me anything, its the circle of life.

its friday. but i have to work this whole weekend.
how fucking gay as shit is that.

[baby at the door]

2010-09-08T21:55:00.006-04:00

so we were at nyc. lots of things happened, but the trip wouldn't have been the same without the natural disasters. thunder and lightening. those girls talk about gross things. i thought girl talk would be a lot more sexier. i was strongly mistaken. but still, team B rules.

i'm not gonna say who, but imagine this. a really pretty girl. taking a long time getting ready. hair did, make up on, takes a while to choose a nice outfit. puts on a nice pair of sunglasses. that girl is looking nice. and then.
girl: man.
me: what?
girl: i gotta poop.

yeah. that totally throws it all out the window. might as well wear sweats and a cowboy hat. its like a hot girl with a weird laugh.
watch this videeooooo

good food, good drunks, good fun. we got really. really. really. drunk. steve got really drunk. the night we went crubbing, steve goes missing. we figured he went back to jiaes place. oh he did alright.
me jiae and tina get out of the elevator. that dude is passed out on the hallway floor.
me: omg...
tina: aww.....
jiae: what the FUCK.
LOLOL. jiaemonster is so funny.

gahd i miss nyc. i can't believe i haven't gone since 2007. thanks to jiae for being an awesome host! we had a lot of fun!

but maybe as not as fun as wally.
Wally: me and heon got real fucked up last night
and we were dancing with girls
very inappropriately
i took my shirt off
andd there was grinding and i liked it
HAHAhaa
im gonna order pizza and eat it all and maybe throw up brbrb

LOL. that guy.
oh yeah shout out to roy.
gluck in school brother

[back]

2010-09-07T13:05:00.004-04:00

i'm back from my blogging hiatus. i also went to nyc this past weekend, but i'll update about that later. in meantime, vote on my new poll, and here's a good read.
a certain friend of mine went on a trip, with some other friends. lets say his name is Peter. And lets say the owner of the house they rented from is named Denim.

Peter,

I am glad that you all had a good time last weekend. However, the place was not in order and there were some major problems I had to deal with.
Apparently someone had a bonfire outside underneath the trees. Open fires are forbidden in the neighborhood, especially under trees. There were broken and melted bottles in the ashes and some type of metal pieces. It looks as if no one thought to clean up this mess. Also outside, a smoker left cigarette butts all over the lawn.

On the deck somehow three of the metal chairs had bent legs. How could that have happened?? Also on the deck, the screen was broken at the bottom, like someone kicked it perhaps. ( I know that this was fine before you came because I had the man from the window company working on the screen that week.)
I did see that you left food on the counter, which you should have carried out with you. When food is opened it needs to be refrigerated, as it indicates on the labels. I had to dispose of all of that stuff. Smelly trash also was left under the sink and all sort of full beer bottles were in the kitchen. I had to carry all of that stuff out.

It was good that you stripped the beds, however the towels should have been left out to dry out. All of the wet towels were in a pile with the bed linens on top of them. When I got to them, they were still wet and smelly. Also there was a damp rug in the dryer that someone had apparently washed .

In the front of the house there was a pile of Grey rocks in the bed of plants to the left of the front door. For some reason the small rocks were taken, but the big rock was left there. I looked around to see where they might be, but couldn't find them. I was very saddened to see that someone had messed with these rocks as my Father's ashes are buried beneath the pile and it is sort of a homage to his memory!

The broken bed is a complete mystery to me. I asked the gal who made those beds last week and she said that she moved the bed and that it was fine. The lady who was in the place prior to your arrival also told me that the kids beds were fine. I can't imagine how they got so broken on their own!

One of the flashlights is missing as well as a Bic firelighter.

You all left some clothes in the laundry room, a dirty, wet white towel and a tan wash cloth.

I doubt that your group will be allowed to rent from us again and I am keeping the $200 damage deposit.

You all should learn to respect other people's property!
Denim

Their response to the letter from Denim...

Denim,

Thank you for the response and for bringing some areas to our attention. The answer to the one question you neglected to ask is yes, we did have and AWESOME time. Now allow me to address some of your areas of concern.

Upon our arrival i was very pleased to notice the welcome book on the table. This did a great job making me feel warm and at home for about 2 minutes while I flipped through the pages of un-rentable boats and all the non-existent, entertaining local establishments. Then I looked at the house. I'm sorry you had some major problems to deal with, but so did we. Within 5 minutes in the house, I already had 4 spider kills and somewhere in the ballpark of 15 mosquito swats. Never in my life have I had to clean a house BEFORE I used it. You must be very proud. The last time i saw so many spider webs was in my nightmares at age 7. You must give me the name of your cleaning lady so I can report her to the better business bureau.

Im not sure how many parties you've had at the lake, or how many times you've been camping, but a bonfire is a MUST. Are we expected to make s'mores in the open oven? Also, I don't recall reading anything about no open fires in your exquisite welcome binder. However, that was probably the safest fire in the history of man. You know how many of us were boy scouts growing up? I must of had like 6 smokey the bear badges for safely practicing forest fires. I mean, did you even see the perfect circle of the fire pit? We were so impressed we wanted to leave it for someone to notice. Also, the bottles in the ashes were an attempt to recycle our trash and send it back to mother earth. Unless you don't recycle, in which case you are a communist.

Sorry about the bent legs on the metal chairs from the deck. We had some very large men who are very sensitive about their weight. Don't tell me people in southern Virginia dont know about obesity. I've been to Roanoke...i know. Also, the screen on the sliding door..............well yea we probably broke that.
And how can you get upset about left over food? Who wouldn't want to come home to a counter full of delicious goodness and ice cold brew-skies?. Admit it, you might have been mad, but inside you were thinking "Jackpot". And where exactly did you carry the bottles of beer? According to you, there is no trash deposit at the house. Were you holding out on us? Is that what's in the basement? Or maybe those bottles made their way to the fire pit????
The bed in one of the guest rooms is a mystery to you? Really? I'm not Bob Villa, but i know when a broken slat on a bed has been glued back in place (it leaves a lot of dried glue residue) and then an angle joint is screwed in place to help support said broken slat. Now maybe when your career as a sub-par lake house rental agent is over you can transition to the detective field. Either you're Columbo, or your gal friend is a liar.

The flashlight you're missing is in the lake, sorry. I tried to use it to take a night time stroll on your awesome beach. Three steps later i hit the dock and beach suddenly turned into grass and i dropped the light.

I'm not really sure what happened to the rock pile in front of the house. I heard banjos and country music late one night so you might have a rock thief. Good possibility someone from our group may have kicked them or tried to skip them across the lake, which is wicked fun. I'm deeply sorry to hear about the resting place of your father. No one meant any disrespect by possibly moving the stones. But you gotta admit, it is an odd burial spot. No grave stone of nothing. Did he really love the dirt spot that you a garden? Also, you could of noted this in your lake binder.
And another thing, what's up with your boat dock? Do you just get supper bitter when you go outside? I mean everyone else in your cove had a sweet covered dock with like 2 boats and a jet ski.

-19 Guys

HAHAHAH

[life]

2010-08-27T14:30:00.003-04:00

today i went to chic fila cause i felt like getting fat as shit.
i went to drive thru.
i asked for honey mustard.
i went back to my desk.
opened my bag.
the guy gave me 4 packets of barbeque.
i shook my fist in the air.
you won this time chic fila. but next time, the victorious shall be me.

when life gives you lemons, get some tequila.

[pain and accents]

2010-08-26T12:06:00.000-04:00

ima just doing all these polls
its so fun. so always check the polls to the right! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

last night i ran to the gym. it was around 9 clock. usually i stay on the sidewalk, but because they're doing work on them, i ran through the grass. i don't like to run through the grass cause im pretty sure theres dog shit laying around. anyways, i tiptoed and ran out of the grass as fast as i could. so im listening to my music and sprinting. just one more step and i'll be on the sidewalk. BAM!!! i feel this CRAZY ASS PAIN in my stomach. like someone with a very thin leg just roundhouse kicked me. i screamed "ARGHHH" outloud. and as i was being slingshotted back, withering in pain, i saw what caused it. THERE WAS A CHAIN GOING ACROSS THE GRASS. you know how people put a chain across the sidewalk so people don't drive on the grass? YEAH. I RAN RIGHT INTO THAT. AND IT HURT LIKE SHIT. i thought i smashed my ipod on that, but my headphones just got unplugged. it hurt. LIKE SHIT. yeah i when i got to the gym i looked. yeah. definitely a red line going across my stomach. not cool.

yesterday i called the credit card company to activate my card. which i did. it sounded like the guy was black, but it couldve also been a latino, asian whatever. all i know is, they had a crucial hard time reading off the booklet. and it was so obvious they had that ghetto slang they were trying to hide. how uncomfortable it mustve been for that guy. imagine lil jon reading off a script and talking to you about your credit card plans. thats how its like.

when me and fatty went to prime rib, the server spoke really proper, and also had a hint of an english accent. but it would come and go as he talked. it sounded like he was either TRYING to use an accent, or in a weird transition where its phasing out. (example: watch the friends episode where ross uses an english accent.) maybe he's from england you say? WRONG MUTHAFUGGAH! we heard him talk to the table next to us and he said he was from FLORIDA. so we're thinking...is he trying to hide the southern accent, and its causing this weird accent? probably.

[jacket]

2010-08-25T12:48:00.000-04:00

LOOK AT MY NEW WIDGETS!!! I'LL HAVE NEW POLLS! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

today i just randomly thought of a moment in my past. it was a day in cockblock history.
i was drunk like crazy. me and tommy(i think) were just roaming around and walked into a room. our friend, lets call him yoseff, was laying in bed flirting with a girl.
tommy immediately just left. me? i sat down and turned on the tv.
oh man dumb and dumber was on! i LOVE this movie!
so i sat there watching it and starting talking to yoseff and the girl. not realizing whats going on.
yoseff: i think tommys calling you
me: i didn't hear anything.
girl laughs.
me: OH MAN THIS IS MY FAVORITE SCENE
yoseff: maybe you should check if tommys calling you
tommy walks in.
tommy: lets go back
me: dude we're watching dumb and dumber
tommy: LETS GO
me: WHY?
tommy gives me a look.
then i thought something was up and it was an emergency. as soon as i got out the door..i just realized what i was doing wrong lol.

so me and fatty went to eat at prime rib. it was pretty good. PRETTY GOOD.
you had to wear a jacket/blazer naw mean.
and so i did. i wore a blue shirt, and blazer and slacks. but in the middle of dinner i got uncomfortable so i took my jacket off.
and the guy tells me to put it back on. i was like maaan. i felt like a little kid.
later when i came home i told tommy what happened. he responded with...
"HAHAHA cause of your shirt?"
haha and i said no.
then later i was just thinking. wtf. whats wrong with my shirt. asshole.

last night, i stayed up late watching cast away. i can't stop watching that movie for some reason. anyways i had another dream i about work. like i felt like i was running late and it was stressing me out cause nothing was going right. then i finally get in, so many things are wrong.
and then i wake up thinking oh man i'm late. but its 7 am. i don't wake up for work til 830.
i just got incepted.
i went into work again, but it felt like i just got OUT of work.
truly incepted.

[hating]

2010-08-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

things i currently hate.
people who use their phones as a portable stereo. not an mp3 player, but as a stereo. like hey asshole, i dont want to hear your music. i didn't ask for some background music to our conversation. we're not in a movie. some of my friends do it. i dont usually say anything, but i'm saying it now. like sometimes i'll be sitting down and just chillin with a person, and they'll take out their phone and turn on some music.
1. the sound quality is horrible. imagine listening to an ipod with messed up headphones including no bass.
2. especially when you sing along with it, come on man. whats worse? listening to someone sing acapella with headphones on or someone singing to staticky music.
3. who said i wanted to hear your fuckin playlist!?
so next time you whip out your phone and turn on some ke$ha music for the people in 10 ft of you to hear, i'm going to scream randomly while you talk.

i live in an apartment complex. sometimes they mow the lawn at 830 in the morning on a saturday. ima befriend one them, and we'll go out drinking. ima get them wasted. and then im going to sleepover at their apartment and start vaccuming or singing kelly clarkson songs while doing laps at 5 30AM.

our printer jams once in a while. whenever it does, its pretty damn easy to unjam it. you reach over to the side, and open the flap, pull out the jammed paper. no biggy.
im in my office with my boss talking to one of our clients. then all of a sudden mr betes is screaming "FUCKIN DAMN IT! LARRY! THIS FUCKIN PRINTER IS JAMMED!". he must be in the copy/printing room. we pause a second, and continue to talk. then it we hear him smack it.
me: how was the drive?
client lady: oh it wasn't bad. just a little traff---
mr betes: GAHD DAMN IT LARRY! YOUR JOB IS JAMMIN UP THE PRINTER!
client lady:.....just a little traffic. but nothing horrible.
me: oh thats good cause usually theres----
mr betes: LARRY! GAHD DAMN!
boss: why don't you go see what he's hollering about.
me: fine.
i run in to the printing room.
me: WHAT
mr betes: your stuff is JAMMIN THE PRINTER MAN!
me: well then unjam it man. i unjam your shit all the time.
mr betes: I TRIED. ITS NOT WORKING. SO YOU DO IT.
mr betes walks out of the printing room.
then it clicked in my head. the printer is in the corner. mr betes weighs at least 350 lbs. the reason why he can't unjam the printer, is cause his fucking belly gets in the way! he can't reach over to the jammed part of the printer!
so sad. so annoying. but you gotta feel bad for the guy. but what a fucking asshole tho.

[kandy]

2010-08-23T15:56:00.001-04:00

this past saturday we all went to k street to celebrate the gina's 25th birthday.
i got pretty drunk. i danced on a stage by myself. although in most occasions i don't have to be drunk to do that, i have no idea where im going with this sentence.
i could've sworn we left at 2:30ish, but when i looked at my clock it said 415am. did i miss something here

this whole time i was thinking why the hell did everybody get lollipops? i saw a lot going around. was that the theme?
i saw my fb and it said "larry attended Carnival Saturdays at K Street. Candy Stick Edition."
OOOOOHHH THATS WHYYYY. sexy name for a lollipop is candy stick. i get it now. even though adding "stick" after "candy" is unnatural. i guess its as equivalent to saying "hot dog wiener."
I dream of the day that they send out an invitation titled "Carnival Saturdays at K Street. Hot Dog Wiener Edition." how homo does that sound.
Think of how much sense that would make. Hot dogs coincide with carnivals a lot better with carnivals then sexy lollipops.
anyways that caused me to look at my fb and checked out past events. OOOOOOOOOOH theres been themes to these nights!
like "8 girls n poppin" - you bring 8 girls and you get a free bottle? or 8 girls poppin on the 10' x 10' dance floor?if it was 8 girls making popcorn, i would be highly dissappointed. lol but think how funny that would be.
but the past 2 times i've gone there, there seems to be a good amount of people. or as what john kang says "mad heads".
we all hate the constant invites to these things. but then when saturday rolls around...we have at least one option instead of just sitting on a beige couch. which these days i dont mind. pure sign of getting old no?

speaking of facebook, i see a lot of people with pictures of babies and such. some as their own, some of other peoples babies.
i don't know if its just asian babies, but some babies are just hideous. "oh larry how could you say that?" jk most babies are cute. i'm not a monster. but some of them have unloving characteristics.
basically you're holding a midget with an appearance of a receding hairline, with a lot of extra skin.
good thing they get nothing but cuter huh

today i ate
2 glazed donuts
1 chocolate glazed donut
1 powdered sugar donut
panda express lunch: one fried rice, mandarin chicken, orange chicken.
large rasberry iced tea.
the calories? lets just say i should be eating nothing but oxygen for the remainder of the week.
lol the funny part is i'm "trying" to eat healthy.
GAHD.
Fat Bastard from Austin Powers once said "I'm fat because I eat. I eat because i'm fat." its pretty sad but it was so funny cause the guy had a funny accent.

[needles and stinging things]

2010-08-20T14:37:00.000-04:00

yesterday i was driving home from work. windows up. air con blasting. easy listening music. hippity hoppity, gangsta poppity. then i lost total control. WHY?

A HUGE FUCKING BEE WAS IN MY CAR. I WAS LIKE "MOTHERFUCKING OMG OMG OMG OMG FUCK FUCK FUCK" and i didn't care about my car crashing i just wanted the bee to get the fuck out! but it wouldnt! it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!!! IT WAS SOOOOO HUGE. THEN I cautiously drove into the nearest shopping center and ran out. bee got out. i was so angry. WHY would you do that to me mr bee.

today i go home during work because a nurse is meeting me up to get my blood work. my moms signing me up for some shat.
anyways i come home, take a pee, and then watch tv and wait for her to come. i hate the show "yes, dear". i think its so stupid.
nurse lady arrives.
man i hate needles. i start sweating and she does it. not so bad. i can never do heroin. not because of the drug itself, but because of the needle part. how do you people do that? if i was a heroin addict i would be the worst one ever. start freaking out and shit before i shoot up.

okay next part is kinda gross. read at your own risk. make sure you're not eating lunch. well its not that gross but i can imagine some people getting upset.

anyways, she hands me a cup and two tubes. FUCK are you serious? no one told me i needed to give a urine sample! i just peed!
so she tells me to fill the cup, and then put it in two tubes. i was like shit are you serious.
so i went into the bathroom and just stood there. i haven't taken a urine sample for at least a decade. i cannot pee on command. if you gave me a beer i can do it instantly. actually i would probably throw up and then pee constantly. actually no i would first find bobby or tommy to pat my back, throw up, and then pee afterwards. but thats not an option here.
then okay ima try. then i got nervous. i dont know why. i think its just the pure thought of it. you're peeing in a cup. its not something you do regularly. i pee more times outside in public than pee in a cup. i just got stage-fright. but then i was like "wtf. you haven't done drugs in years! what the hell are you scared about juman?" (juman is my korean name)
okay. here i go. and i went.
"this is easy...oh....uh oh". it was at the "oh man i can't stop and the cup is full" stage. anyways i handled that like a gentleman.

now the weird and gross part part. pouring it halfway into two tubes. i would be the worst doctor in the fucking world.
so i went to the sink and started pouring and then i got disgusted. PLOP. FUCK. i dropped the tube. i freaked out and almost dropped the cup of urine. UGH. now its all covered in urine. THIS IS A FUCKING DISASTER! anyways i still had enough urine to pour it in evenly. and so i did. and then i wiped down the tube cause its pretty gross.

then i started thinkin oh man how freaked out would she be if i filled one with chocolate milk and one with grape soda. LOL

[random shat]

2010-08-17T12:22:00.000-04:00

at the conference this old guy sat me down and started talking to me about business. all i was thinking was how he kept touching my shoulder. like he was a drunk ahjushi.
and he paused.
guy: so...hm....where is your grandparents from?
me: korea
first guy ever to say that. thats actually a pretty smart way to say it, instead of asking me where i'm from. i gave the guy props for that.

so if you don't know beardy, he is my coworker. real nice guy, long beard. he's from manassas and he's more like a country guy. i was in north carolina with him all week. his favorite restaurant is red lobster.
we were leaving the conference and i was carrying a box in the parking lot. beardy was already frustrated and upset some other things.
a truck backs into ME. knocking my box down. WTF. before i could say anything...
beardy starts to yell all sorts of profanities. next he grabs the wrench out of the car.
SMASHES the tail light!
i was like wow wtf. his redneck side was coming out. like face red. i was hoping he would rip off his shirt and there would be a flanel shirt under neath it. and then he would put on his confederate hat or something. lol yea but the driver did not see.
beardy is my hero.
on the way back we made me listen to a cd is uncle made. his uncle was a musician. it was nice. i felt like i was in a movie about two men from two different worlds.

i've been sayin for a while now that beardys son (who i'll refer as beardy jr) looks like zach galifinakis from the hangover. the guy with the beard.
this is him.

compare him to this.

i told you!

[greensboro, nc]

2010-08-11T22:37:00.000-04:00

i'm here in greensboro, nc. my day ended at 12 today, which was cool. me and beardy ate at a bbq joint and it was pretty good. i drank the best sweet tea ever. i drank 4 cups. TEHEHEH. i think people stare at me and beardy when we eat. since today we're not dressed like people here on business, we look like biggest odd couple of all time. asian guy and a white beardy guy. people prolly wonder why we're eating together.

so i went to the mall afterwards. GHETTO ass mall. any mall with a dillard's i consider ghetto as fuck. theres literally at least 10 shoe stores selling the same shit. ghetto fab shoes. theres at least 15 stores selling the same type of clothes. ghetto fab clothes. if i was a hip hop dressing kind of guy, i would have a field day. a guy called me "cat" the whole time. i looked more like an asian tourist than a person being called "cat."

i walked into a skate store. i did not look like a skater. people stared at me, cause i didn't look like i belonged there. cause i was a poser. felt like 1997 all over again.

i keep calling this place ghetto. why? here are the reasons why.
-at least 20 ghetto fab stores in the mall, all with clearance sales.
-2 strip clubs in a 2 mile radius
-3 adult entertainment stores, in a 2 mile radius.
-i'm in a nice hotel, but there is a channel, dedicated to wanted criminals. which means, the channel just shows profiles of the wanted people in the area, people who have any information on any murders, and people who are willing to rat people out. and they have a phone number.
-theres a soul food restaurant managed by asians.
so...do you agree that its ghetto?

[live from nc]

2010-08-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

live from nc. im stuck here til friday for work. unlike pa, there is nothing around here but ghetto streets and bar be que restaurants. which is great! BUT where does beardy want to eat on the first night?
LoneStar. The applebee's of steakhouses. GAHD. at least we didn't drive 20 minutes out of our hotel to get to a red lobster like last time. that guy loves red lobster. but he's a nice guy so i don't disagree.
i walked to a ghetto ass mall around 8:50. only did a quick tour cause the mall was closing! so i was approaching jc pennys where i came in from but shit! the gate was coming down! i ran through the gate to get to the easier and safer exit of the mall. so i ran, ducked and got through. something feels different in my pockets. somethings missing. SHIT. my hotel room key. i turn around and look. ITS ON THE OTHER SIDE! GAHD!
luckily a nice lady handed it to me through one of those holes.

thats it for today.

[granny]

2010-08-09T23:26:00.000-04:00

we got drunk as yahoo this weekend. i haven't gone clubbing in a LONG, LONG time. theres a lot of young people there that stare at me. BITCH my time is done and our friends don't come out anymore. don't look at me like i'm some loser fuck.
lol bobby got in a spat with some guys.
john kang broke it up and said "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO START SHIT ALL THE TIME!? YOU EMBARASS ME." lol. really john? its like wally yelling at me for playing computer games too much.

me steebs and wally went to play tennis on saturday. no, not on ps3. like outside tennis. wallys house was locked. we climbed a ladder and knocked on his window to wake him up. if it was night it wouldve been romantic. or like a break in.
we played with our shirts off. imagine three unathletic korean shirtless 26-27 years play tennis like its their first time ever. yeah, it was just like that.

my grandmas an ol lady. she's a nice lady but she nags a lot. like a lot. so i came home to eat. she likes to feed me and make me eat everything. i said no, basically cause i'm full and i dont want to get fat. but she keeps nagging me. then it makes me feel like less of a man.
grandma: eat some more when your done.
me: no i'm good.
grandma: ugh
me: i'm full grandma
grandma: you know you're cousins can eat twice as much as you
me: well i'm not them
grandma: and they keep asking for more
me: well thats cause they're fat as fuck
grandma: they are not fat.
me: yes they are
grandma: no they're not.
EVERY DAMN WEEK.

[day 2 at the show]

2010-08-04T22:39:00.000-04:00

almost out this bitch.

so i'm in a car with mr betes. this guy makes so much noise breathing, snorting, i dont know what the fuck he's doing. but he's snoring while he's awake or something. like i can't tell him to shut up cause he's not saying anything. this guy is so lazy.
how lazy is he?
we're in the car and he needs to go to the atm to go to the machine. theres a guy at the machine, and one person in line. does he stand outside in line? nope. waits in the car. and another person gets in line. and another. "i'll just wait till it dies down."
MOTHERFUCKEr. FINALLY, they all leave and he goes to the machine.
laziness to the MAX.

so at the conference i bump into my man mean gene again. the short chubby bald guy who drew a penis on my legal pad yesterday.
mean gene: hey man i received a pacakage from my mom.
me: oh really? thats cool.
mean gene: she sent me some of my old baby pictures.
me: wow really?

i started to think...oh man. is she dying? she wanted to send him stuff cause she might not be able to?i felt real bad.

mean gene: wanna see one?
me: sure

he opens up his wallet. its a black and white wallet size picture. a picture of his current face, photoshopped on a baby. sigh.
with a giant.
penis.
taking up the whole picture.
mean gene: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: ha....ha...
mean gene: as you can see, i never had trouble getting a girlfriend.

MAN what is UP with this guy!!! NO exaggeration i promise. the weirdest part? this means he's been carrying the picture in his wallet.
but he is a nice guy. he did ask me if i wanted to join him in smoking a cuban. i was like oh man that would be cool...but i was afraid its a joke and it would be some kind of penis cigar or something.

[show day. 1]

2010-08-03T22:06:00.000-04:00

today was a very uneventful day at the show. so i'm talking to a client. he's very old, bald, and a little fat. looks like mean gene okurland (old school wwf commentator)
client: i mean you got to make the best of the days right?
me: yeah man it gets pretty boring
client: hey man you like jokes?
me: yeah i like jokes
client: like JOKES jokes?
me: sure.
client: gimmie your notepad and pen.
me: kay.
i gave him my legal pad and pen.
client: i want a 19.3% discount on your services
me: what?
and the next thing shocked me. with the numbers 1, 9, 3 and the ".", he drew a fucking huge penis on my notepad. no shitting you i promise. A HUGE FUCKING PENIS! like what the fuck man! its my fucking note pad! at a CONFERENCE!
me: ha..ha...
client: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
me: oh...19.3...hahaha i get it....

WHAT THE FUCK. for the first time in my life, i felt like the mature one in the conversation.

so for some reason, whenever i'm in a conversation with strangers, 90% of the time its about my race. and we talk about korea and shit.

stranger: you eat kimchee?
me: eh sometimes. i don't really like it.
stranger: oh man i love kimchee. that spice. you koreans are geniuses for making that.

its not racist at all, but good to hear. but what the fuck. you white people think kimchee is the best korean dish. GALBI is the best shit. or nengmyun.
thats like if we were in korea, we would talk like this.

me: you eat salad?
stranger: eh sometimes. i don't really like it.
me: oh man i love salad. that ranch dressing. mmmmmmmm. you white people are geniuses.

oh man that should be part of my stand up.

[live from pa]

2010-08-02T21:27:00.000-04:00

today is my first day in the big PA. i'm here for a conference and i'll be here for a week. King of Prussia, PA.

so i came with mr betes, and he's such a hassle. no funny stories about him yet, but there will be.

my day ended early today, so i walked to the mall, got lost as fuck on my walk back to the hotel, and got really sweaty. oh and i had to pee like none other.
malls need more bathrooms. so fucking annoying. its like they WANT you to piss in the dressing room. no matter how nice a mall is, bathrooms are always hard as shit to find.

i went to the melting pot for dinner. by myself. i didn't want to share shit with mr betes. i brought some work so i didn't look like a complete loser, and so i looked like i was there on business.
a table next to mine had a mom, her teenage daughter and her friends. her mom bought her wine!
friend 1: mrs. blahblahblah, you are the coolest mom ever.
mrs blahblahblahblah: haha. some moms are so uptight. i mean everybody drinks!
this mom sounds like the amy poehler from "mean girls". such a old lady trying to be cool. female douchebag.

so i'm helping out my church youth group. theres a "leadership team" that we have, and kids are turning in applications on why they should get accepted. these kids are horrible writers, not that i write well. but its so funny how you can totally tell they try to use big words. idiots. they obviously right clicked the word, clicked on synonyms, and chose a word they thought was intelligent. sounds especially bad when they only use one big word out of the whole application. oh man i hope i didn't write like that when i was in high school.

some examples:
..."i think our youth group, i dare say it, be like"... LOL "dare say it"? really?
...."the work for a high school student is gargantuan"...HAHAH gargantuan. clearly right clicked.
..."i've been really activated in our youth group".... what the.

anyways smell you later

[almonds]

2010-07-30T13:45:00.000-04:00

so my mom calls me to talk about some stuff. she's currently at her store
mom: so you should quit smoking its bad for you
me: i know i know
mom: okay i have to go.
me: k byeee
mom: i've missed you how are you?!
me: oh i'm go--
*click
mother was talking to a customer not me. owned.

yesterday somoene was talking about the weekend, and someone agreed by saying "me too." and then another agreed again by saying "me three." everybody shared a chuckle. COME ON REALLY?! i would agree if it was the first time someone said the whole "me three" bit but COME ON guys!

so i'm sitting at my desk talking to a vendor that is talking to me about some bullshit. i talk to this lady once a week, and its always dragging on about NOTHING. i have almonds on my desk. i hate almonds. i have a huge binder clip. those things are cool. then my curiosity got me. what happens if i put an almond in the clip? this is it.

and i did it. NOTHING happened. so i took it and took a look at it. i thought there would be enough pressure to shoot the almond out, or break it in half.
so i squeezed the ends together to crush the almond. SMACK! the next thing i felt was sharp pain to my lower chin.
so it broke, and then shot out and hit me. it hurt like SHIT.
GAHD. i took it as a sign to listen to her.

no spoilers on inception here don't worry, but i saw it yesterday. before watching it, everybody was like oh man its going to confuse you. i was like "NO ITS NOT". so when i started watching the movie, i literally concentrated on every single thing so it wouldn't confuse me. too bad that shit made me get a headache. after the movie, fatty had to explain to me some stuff, but it wasn't bad at all. then the line of the night was "thats why its called inception." and then fatty threatened me so i stopped.
we watched it at fairfax town center. after going to the De Lux and Tysons, watching a movie there is horrible.

next week i'll be broadcasting live from PA.

[movies]

2010-07-29T14:47:00.001-04:00

i'm going to watch inception today. heard it was great. the shit about great movies, i'm always worried about accidentally finding out about the ending. today, i was on facebook. i came across faye's page.
then i read her status raving about it. i said FUCK this shit and i quickly closed the window. dont even want to know what this movies about. as of now, im going to think this movie is about dinosaurs.
i will always remember my sophomore year in high school. armageddon just came out and i was like oh man i really wanna see this shit.
i get a phone call from john kang.
if you never seen armageddon before, skip this part.
i got a phone call. it was from john kang.
i remember this moment clearly. i was laying down on my floor listening to a yoo seung jun cd.
me: hello?
john: bruce willis sacrifices his life for ben affleck and dies.
me: WHAT TH---
*click

i will never, ever forgive you for that john kang.

kristin kreuk is one of my all time faves of all time. sure she's old news, but she will always have a place in my heart. she starred in the movie called Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun-li.
i heard it had to be the worst movie of all time.
the supporting cast?
chris klien - the once hollywood hottie is now a guy who refuses to accept his balding/receding hairline.
that asian guy that used to be in all 90s martial arts movie. last movie i saw him in was "beverly hills ninja" with the late chris farley (rip)
so that movies been on hbo and cinemax about 234324 times, and EVERY DAMN TIME I TURN TO WATCH IT, its on the SAME DAMN SCENE. and its ALWAYS the chris klein part.
GAHD

[ode to bob]

2010-07-28T12:46:00.000-04:00

so im on facebook and i see mike wrote on boobers wall.
"get well soon"
wtf? is he okay?
i grew curious and worried so i asked people what happened to bobbington bear.
and these are the replies i got.
"surgery on his penis."
"Thana's new status message: BEST COAST" (which means he saw my IM, but decided not to answer me. instead he put up a new status which now i am also curious about)
"facial reconstructive surgery"
"he's having surgery to replace his face with a guy named castor troy. he's doing it so he can get information from his brother about where the bomb is."
"generic surgery" (that ones from me) (okay actually no one asked me yet but i wanted to get in on this too cause i got really excited about having a funny answer)
finally julia answers me. but then she lectures me on my sleep apnea and sends me links on how to fix it and blablhablah.
all i wanted is a simple answer.

my coworker's daughter is all pregnant and shit. she came in and stopped by. all of my coworkers usually gawk at her. now, they completely ignore her. its pretty funny. we got company paid lunch upstairs. for the first time in 3 years, i saw him walk upstairs.

to my new readers. "mr betes" is pronounced "beat-ees" like diabetes. its not his real name, but a code name. i refer to him as mr betes cause the warehouse guys make fun of him for having diabetes and he didn't know it. its fucked up right? work with him and you'll think differently.
average blood sugar level is around 80-110 or 120 or some shit.
mine was regular (surprisingly)
his? 400+.
true story.

get well bob! oh and if u haven't figured out, hes having surgery on his ankles. cause i broke them on the basketball court the other day.

[eddie and bellie]

2010-07-21T12:47:00.000-04:00

you know what i hate? when you're bitching/venting to somebody, the listening person disagrees or takes everything literally. i just heard my coworker vent to another coworker. heres a tip. just nod, and say "you're right, uh huh, uh huh". especially if you're a close friend. i heard my coworker say "man he's such an asshole. i'ma quit and move to mexico." and they respond it with "you know mexico is a tough country to live in. you wouldn't survive there". it just ruins your whole "venting" mood.or like when i used to fight with my mom a lot, i would vent, and i hated when this happened.
me: man my mom is so annoying. can't stand it!
friend: well you are living under her roof.
me: okay.
then that makes ME feel like shit. its not like III don't know the reality of the situation. but just for pure venting sake, just nod and say "yeah man that sucks."

i saw eclipse last night. it was eh.
JUST KIDDING IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!
but man, bella and edward, they have got to be the most boring couple of all time.
like if we went to a beach/ski trip, and it was time to party it would be like
me: hey bella edward lets play some drinking games. we're 2 people short!
bella: i dont really feel like playing
edward: we just want to lay down
thats all they would do. boring as shit. and all they talk about is dying for each other n shit. this is why high school kids are so fuckin emo. cause of shit like this.

also, BELLA tries to have the sex with edward. and edward says no.
LOL WHAT A FAG
realizing that i watched eclipse and i thought it was awesome...i guess that makes me gay. its okay i only watched it cause fatty wanted to watch it.

[black?]

2010-07-20T14:25:00.000-04:00

so we have a warehouse, full of employees. think of the office and how dunder mifflin runs. thats how its like here.
we have ONE black guy in our company. beardy, mr betes, and i are having a conversation.

mr betes: i still don't know everybody in the warehouse
beardy: me neither...people keep leavin and new ones keep popping in
me: yeah i just know AJ, christian and dustin.
beardy: oh and theres also terry.
mr betes: whats he look like? the bald guy?
me: the black guy
mr betes: but um...is he bald?
beardy and i look at each other. then look at him.
beardy: i dont know if he's bald. but he IS black.
mr betes: hm...i think i know who your talking about...the bald guy..
me: listen to me. i dont know how to describe him any easier. he's the BLACK guy. we have ONE black guy in our whole company.
mr betes: ohhh.. yeah i also think he's bald.
exaunt.

i know you don't want to differentiate people by their race, but theres no racism referring a black guy AS a BLACK GUY!
sigh.

[oy wally!]

2010-07-19T14:36:00.000-04:00

big family dinner friday night.
my 4 year old who is pure energy, who is currently going through a weird korean language to english transition, wanted to do the meal prayer.
so we all bowed our heads.

gracie: gahd our pahder, gahd our pahder..................
(everybody waiting)
she storms off.
me: waht the hell
sister: did she just leave?

so it turns out she got upset cause somebody didn't close their eyes and decides aw screw this shit and decides to leave. it was pretty gosh darn cute. the funniest part is when she farts. but it smells terrible.

anyways after that, we took my cousin to a "beer house" and just got him fucked up. in turn, so did my sister, wally, tommy, and steve. for those of you who don't know wally, dealing with drunk wally is like trying to eat jello with metal chop sticks. its so fawrkin impossible. steve took him home, while i took my cousin and sister home, but then went back to wallys house cause i knew that fucker was gonna be work. and here is what happened.
steve is yelling at topless wally to get up.
tommy is throwing up on his lawn.
me and steve carry wally up the driveway.
tommy is throwing up on his lawn
wallys pants fall down. and no, we did not take it off.
tommy is throwing up on his lawn.
wallys yelling about something.
tommy is passed out on the sidewalk.
we carry wally in.
tommys back to throwing up on his lawn.
his mom wakes up. stares at us. holding an almost-naked wally. stares at him. stares at us. stares at him.
me: ummm he's drunk. sorry for making so much noise.
wallys mom: is he okay? wheres his car?
me: its at shikgaek....umm....yeah..
wallys all of a sudden up and walking around. looks at us, thinking his mom can't see him. whispers to steve "oh man is she awake"
then goes to his fridge looking for food while i have an awkward convo with his mom. THANKS BUDDY.
so we leave, and of course wally runs out the house (still in boxers) and chasing us down in the middle of the road.

next morning i get a message on fb from him:
dude i dunno what happened. i woke up naked and theres puke all over the bathroom and some on my bed and i dunno i just lost everything.

[earthquake?]

2010-07-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

earthquake and mr betes jokes

you guys call that an earthquake, i call it mr betes walking by me.
the earthquake was caused by mr betes. he attempted to run for the first time ever.
you guys might be scared of earthquakes. i'm scared of mr betes tripping and falling.
i don't understand how they have earthquake drills, but they don't have mr betes-is-walking-by-you drills.
the earthquake was actually estimated to be larger, but mr betes sat on the floor to hold it down.

you guys think its mean of me to make fun of him. but this guy is the laziest most impatient man of all time. for instance...
i've been trying to find the production guy to talk to him about something. and i finally get a chance to talk to him.
mr betes can hear us talking. lets say the production guys name is "tech"
"TECH! HEY TECH!! HEEEEEEEEEYY TECH!!!! DAMN IT TECH"
we just ignore it and keep talking.
he calls my phone. which means if my coworkers call my phone, they automatically go to speakerphone.
mr betes"HEY TECH!". (this fucker just interrupted our little meeting.)
tech: what
mr betes: you need to BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHABLHA
tech: uh huh
mr betes: and don't forget BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH
tech: uh huh
mr betes: did you blahblahblah?
tech: YEAH I DID MAN
mr betes: well how come you didn't tell me?
tech: cause i don't answer to you
.....and so on.
the fucking motherfucker interrupts our meeting. WAIT IN LINE TO TALK TO HIM LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE YOU LAZY FUCK.
but he's not that bad of a guy personally. just as a worker.

did you guys watch the ESPYS award?
mark wahlberg and the hot girl i can't remember her name for some reason from "entourage" came to present the best female athlete award.
mark: so the two things that men love the most are sports and women.
girl: mmhmmm
mark: so you would think that when you put those two together it would be the best BUT.....its.....
(awkward silence)
girl: ha..ha...okay mark be nice.
awkward silence.

it is true though. i hate people who are too stubborn to admit that a majority of womens sports is boring to watch. why do you think the wnba has been dwindled down to like 4 teams? i think the nba players have an agreement that they have to go to at least one game. its so funny when they zoom up on them. THEY LOOK SOOOOOOO BORED. like they is about to fall asleep. do you really think they're thinking "hmm.. what can i learn from them..." nope.

anyways happy weekend.
make some memories.

[betes chickfila]

2010-07-15T13:53:00.000-04:00

yesterday i got a speeding ticket :(
fucking police probably read my previous entry
i hate you all!
cept the nice ones. you guys are alright.

i think im addicted to chic fila. i never have cravings for fast food anymore. maybe chipotle every once in a while. i just eat it cause its convenient.
but yesterday, i had a huge craving for chic fila. i ate it. tasted like happiness. i ate it again today.
now i think im addicted to that shit. the weird thing about it was that in my bag they gave out promotional flyers.
this one was kind of weird.
"christmas in july! santa is coming back from his vacation!"
um...i bet the real story is they couldn't find any chicken costumes so the next best thing was santa claus. only in manassas. im going to laugh at the guy who has to wear that shit in the middle of july. "mommy why is santa sweating so much"

and as i was eating,
mr betes snuck up on me and yelled "WAHTSUP LARRY"
it scared the shit out of me, and he walked away chuckling. but its sad really.
with him yelling really loudly, and walking a long distance of 10 feet, he's huffing and puffing on his walk back.
i get him back though.
sometimes when he's talking to mr beardy in the hallway, i'll transfer a call to his phone without telling him so he has to "run" back to his desk.
and sometimes the warehouse guys see him and yell "RUUUUN! RUUUN BILL RUNNN!!"
and when he misses the call or after he gets off the phone
"FUCKIN DAMN LARRY! I WISH YOU'D TELL THAT PERSON TO HOLD ON A SEC! SHIT!"
and then me and beardy share a chuckle.

[showtime and rangers can suck it]

2010-07-14T12:06:00.000-04:00

this past weekend i directed my church youth group summer camp with my friends. it was a shit ton of fun. if i wrote about it, none of you guys would really get it so i'm just going to say it was magical. bbing bbong.
so the park rangers were up our asses this year. which REALLY pissed us off.
my friend david was parked on a little side road, thats about 40 feet long. dead end. doesn't go anywhere. he just temporarily parked there for a couple minutes.
an asshole park ranger tells him to move it.
FOUR FEET.
you have GOT TO BE KIDDING. the dudes were on the biggest fuckin power trip.
david gets in the car, and moves it four feet.
the cop yells at him and gives him a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt.
yeah. what the fuck.
this is why people hate fucking cops. cause of people like this guy. these kind of numbnutted fuckfaces are the people who give cops a bad name.
little do they know we broke a window, but they didn't charge us.
MUHAHAH fucking fuck fuckers. i hate them.

have you guys ever watched the big brother show?
well it was on cbs, and that show was SO boring. it was when reality shows were popping up everywhere. i thought it was cancelled, but apparently the shit kept continuing.
basically a real world on cbs, but instead of young people getting drunk, it would have dads, moms, college kids, all sorts of people in one house....sitting on a couch. it was boring as fuck.
so i'm flipping through showtime the other day and a commercial came on for "Big Brother: After Dark." and it showed people doing crazy shit! with hot girls!
and i thought wow, the producers of this show really sold out. just like christina aguilera did. no moms or dads on this show. just good looking - semi good looking people. it was saying "BIG BROTHER AFTER DARK. RAW AND UNCUT". looked like it was a commercial for porn. definitely going to watch this show now!
so last night, im flipping through channels. it came on. let see what kind of shit goes down!
i watched 10 minutes, of 3 guys silently playing pool, and listening to 4 girls complain about how they don't have music. all at the same time. then it went back to the guys silently playing pool.
i said FUCK THIS SHIT and turned to hbo.
40 minutes later i flipped back. it was them playing pool still.
REALLY?! this is how you're going to attract viewers? what happened to the crazy shit happening on the commercials? its just 3 guys playing pool! AND THEY"RE NOT EVEN SAYING ANYTHING!!!

mike ended his last blog.
allroadsleadtomike.blogspot.com
an end of a sort of era.
pay respects.

[one funny, one epic story]

2010-07-07T11:35:00.000-04:00

so when my sister left for new york, i told her
"bring me back a souvenir. i haven't had a ny souvenir in a long time"
she said "okay"
"im being serious!"
she said "okay!"
i picked her up on monday. she hands me a bag of hershey kisses. that you can get at 7-11.
me: whats this
sister: your souvenir!
me:........................why is it open
sister:.................i was hungry on the train
a used bag of hershey kisses.

this next story is vulgar. i recieved permission from tommy and wally, so here is their story.
three weeks ago, i went to the beach with some of my friends. including johnhur, tommy, and wally. this story is a little vulgar so bare with me.
as i wrote earlier, tommy wally johnhur got real drunk. like REAL drunk. like to a scary blacked out point. to a point where tommy just passed out in a stairwell. but before all that, things happened.
john got really, really drunk. but he was also scared of how tommy and wally were acting. reckless. johnhur grew tired and passed out on the couch.
the next morning, we woke up to johnhur yelling "IMA FUCKING KILL YOU GUYS"
did they draw on his face? no.
did they put underwear on his face? no.
did they do anything to his body? nothing at all.

but what could have possibly pissed him off that he would yell that?
john woke up and saw it was odd that his fb notifications have been blowing up. he checked his facebook. wally and tommy took his phone, took pictures, and posted two pictures on his facebook.
the first picture was a picture of wallys ass on johnhurs face. on his facebook.
the second picture was a lot more vulgar. it was a picture of tommy's bare testicles on johns neck. on his facebook.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
he instantly deleted it.
he was teabagged.
that is by far the most comical degrading thing that i know of to a person who passed out from drinking.

what happened a couple weeks later was even funnier.
we got drunk at a party, and wally mentioned something.
wally: oh yeah, by the way. i remembered something from that night.
me: whats that?
wally: i tried to put my nuts on his neck too, but i couldn't reach. so i slapped him with my penis.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
some might find it funny, some might find it gross.

i'm out for a week, see you next tuesday
shout out to roy. and bobby cause i know your gonna bitch about how roy got a shout out but you didnt
PEACE

[i hate...bugs?]

2010-07-02T13:23:00.000-04:00

this weather is perfect. but i am tired and i guess a little hungover. this is why i don't drink on thursdays anymore. it was fun to see errbody. not that i don't see them fuckers every weekend, but i dunno. it was different. jiae and julia introduced to me a new drink of 50% soju and bekseju. did it taste good? no, it tasted like shit. i rather have one or the other. this isn't me complaining. this is me sharing my views girls.

the other day i went to my parents house to eat dinner. my mom always invites me over, but no ones ever there. so i jus eat by myself watching tv. is that sad? i dunno i'm used to it.
so i'm eating korean food and its fucking hot. so hot that i'm in my boxers. its that damn sexy.
after the meal i sit on the couch to watch some more tv. i have an itch in my head.
i scratch it until what the FUCK. i feel something sticking on my head. HOLY SHIT THERES a FUCKING GROSS BUG IN MY HAIR.
i acted like any normal human being would react. i flipped a fucking shit. it was slimey!
i ran around screaming disgusted out of my mind. i thought
A) slug
B) some crawling caterpillar-like weird bug i've never seen before

so i frantically searched for it, and yanked it out. yeah and so it turns out it was a piece of rice in my hair. you would freak out too cause you wouldn't expect that kind of texture on your head. to you white folks, its equivalent to finding a chicken nugget in your hair. you just dont' expect it so you freak the fuck out.

how did it get in my hair? i have no idea. don't ask me. i dont eat my rice in a weird way. just straight to the mouth. thats what she said.

its the weekend of the 4th! i feel like its the most anticlimatic holiday. but who gives a shit cause we dont go to work. it can be a holiday about paper for all i care. lets make some memories

k bye

[gym stories 3]

2010-06-29T23:03:00.000-04:00

mr betes asked me to give him a ride to the auto shop where his car was being repaired. keep in mind this guy is one big motherfucker. like i was actually afraid he wouldn't fit in my passenger seat. seriously. so he squeezed himself in there. my car is now 45 degrees leaning his side. it looks like when that lady put a rack of ribs on fred flintstones car.
mr betes: "damn larry your car sure is small"
me (thinking): yeah i'm sure thats it.
and i turn on Usher OMG.
mr betes: who is this?
me: Usher.
mr betes: from boyz ii men?
me: noo.
mr betes: he's from atlanta right?
me: actually yeah
mr betes: yeah i know who this guy is. he's the guy from boyz ii men
me: no....he's not man!
mr betes: shit you don't know nothing. i'm from atlanta. i know my city.
me: well you need to get your facts checked.
mr betes: he wrote the song yeah?
me: yeah.
mr betes: yeah he used to be in a group that had a song "i swear"
me: you're getting mixed up with a lot of different black guys
mr betes: whoa whoa whoa man i'm not being racist

it literally seemed like he was joking with me.

so i walk into the apartment complex gym. aw damn it. latin kings. just kidding but one huge mexican family. not kidding.
and half of them are crowded over the tv watching the telemundo channel. being serious, not being racist. half of them are on the cardio machine, but its okay cause theres still one for me. i run for a couple miles and get off. i got off, took the disinfectant paper towel and wiped down my machine. the whole mexican family looks at me. and literally they all go to the dispenser and wipe down every machine.
i'm guessing that they haven't been wiping down their shit which is kinda gross.

i sit in my chair and i hear all these conversations. some gross, some funny, and some i want to be part of. like theories on lost, or nba finals, or movie talk. beardy just gets up and joins in.
coworker#1: yeah i just thought kobe had an off night man.
coworker#2: wasn't his best day.
beardy: yall talkin bout finals?
coworker#3: yeah man it was a good game but not for kobe.
beardy: you said it......blahblahblah and so on.

me?
coworker#1: dark knight...best comic book movie of all time.
coworker#2: spider man. i'm more marvel.
i try to get in on the conversation. so i sneak in there.
coworkers#2: whats up larry what can i do for you
(sigh)
larry: (damn it whyd you have to put me on the spot like that. now i feel awkward) do you know when dave is coming in?
cowrker#1: i think he's coming in at 10 i think.
larry: OH cool okay thanks!
and i walk away.
i guess i am socially awkward too.

whats even more awkward? i had a dream that i rode in a train with tom brokaw. and in the middle of our conversation i said "thats the tom brokaw experience" and we started laughing.

k bye.

critic

2010-06-28T23:19:00.001-04:00

whats more embarassing? getting caught looking at pictures of TWILIGHT people or getting caught watching GLEE performances on youtube.

this is jon gosselin from jon and kate plus 8's new tattoo. it is the ugliest piece of shit i've ever seen.

what are you? an asian kid stuck in the 1997? worst part is! he's half korean! how embarassing. unless your a redneck riding a harley, you do not get a tattoo on a slab of back fat. my head is shaking at you jon gosselin.

this is a picture of the director from the movie "Eclipse" which is the third movie from the twilight saga.

its of him at the red carpet movie premiere.
is that gangsta pose necessary? dude acts like he just directed scarface or godfather. uh...you directed a movie about teen vampires falling in love. no need to brush your shoulders off buddy.

yesterday me and mihyun went to go watch toy story 3. there was a kid running in the hallway. he was a little chubby kid running hard. moving every single body part to run. it looked like we were watching slow motion cause this little chubby boy was slow as hell! with movements like that you'd expect him to zoom right by you. but nope. that kid must like to eat a lot of ice cream.

toy story was pretty good. its just one of those series where none of the movies suck. the movie previews sucked dick though.
Legends of the Guardians is a movie about owls. owls are one of the least gangsta animals out there, next to aardvarks. like why would you waste a cool title like "legends of guardians" on a story about owls? owls are just midget eagles gone stupid.

i saw the preview of "secretariat." I HATE MOVIES ABOUT HORSES. and its been done already and it was called seabiscuit (which is also the name of tommys car). it was about spider-man riding a horse.

i sound like a negative nancy.

DIPPIN DOTS > FROYO.
yeah i said it.

[clubbing and tree sap]

2010-06-28T12:51:00.001-04:00

so we went to the park (d.c's finest overcrowded club) this saturday for jennifers bday. tommy took a poop as soon as we got there. me and steve laughed.
an hour later, i have to take a poop too. laugh rescinded. its gross taking one at the club. and the worst part is theres a line waiting and i feel like everybodys laughing at me cause i'm taking a poop a the club.
anyways, drinking dancing and its time to go home.
as we were leaving, we saw a couple of asian girls up in each others grill. like shit was about to go down.
then all of a sudden, CRACK!
they just broke out in a huge catfight! and as usual, all the guys are just watching them. hair pulling, nails flying, shit was cool. i think sharon wanted to get in that shit and school those girls.
it was fucking awesome!
sharon told us the key to a good cat fight. rip off their shirt so they get embarassed and then you clock em in the face.
i'm guessing guys can't do that. imagine john in a fight and he automatically reaches for the guys pants. it would just make everybody feel uncomfortable. i think the fight would just stop and everybody would just be like wtf and walk away.

this morning...
i don't have my key for my apartment and tommy already left.
i'm already late for work, and its hot as fuck outside and its only 8:50 am.
i have to lock from the inside, and climb down from the balcony.
this could go really wrong. tommy had to do it one time, so if tommy can do it, i can 65% do it.
either that or i'll fall, get hurt and look like a little bitch.
i grabbed a tree branch first to get a good balance.
i then let go of the branch and went to the bathroom cause that branch had tree sap and it was gross as fuck.
i hate sticky.
so im on the ledge. i'm shimmying myself down. as i'm doing this, i realized im ridiculously out of shape.
and so i'm hanging there.
but my feet aren't touching anything! what the FUCK. then i remembered tommy might be a little shorter than me, but my arms are shorter.
damn my stubby fucking arms. so i'm just hanging there shaking my legs.
so i let my fingers slide off a little and now i can feel the top rail of the balcony below me.
so i jumped off that, and i'm on safe ground. i gingerly walk to the car being sure i don't step in dog shit.
GAHD DAMN ASSSHITFUCK.
i forgot to lock the door! which was the whole reason i climbed down!
so i had to do the whole thing again.

i shoulda just stayed home.

[:| day]

2010-06-25T11:11:00.000-04:00

im not having a bad day, but just some things are just pissing me off today. i think its cause our new receptionist keeps sending me CUSTOMER SERVICE CALLS!!
what the fuck! im NOT IN CUSTOMER SERVICE! i tell her over and over again. but i think she gets nervous when someones pissed off or something and she transfers them to me for some fucking reason.
and i pick up the phone, say "this is larr-" and automatically i get
"I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR 3 DAYS BLAH BLAH FUCK YOU GUYS" phone calls
sheesh.

mike and i disagree on a lot of things, but also agree on a lot of things. one thing we both have a strong hatred for is this lady.

THE PROGRESSIVE GIRL. LOOK AT THAT HIDEOUS FACE.
facts.
the commercials are nowhere close to funny.
the girl is not hot.
the commercials are not clever.
doesn't take a genius to figure out this shit is annoying, and i think they arleady know that, but THEY KEEP MAKING MORE SHIT!
i don't care if i get kicked off of every auto insurance. i WILL NOT FUCKING EVER GO TO PROGRESSIVE BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING ANNOYING ASS SHITLOVING DICKSUCKING COMMERCIAL.

k bye

[beach, cousins, kid]

2010-06-24T14:30:00.000-04:00

sorry for the late update folks. i would be lying if i said i was busy. actually i am. im pretty damn busy in my life. i dont like that. anyways.

last weekend i went to the beach with voldemort, sharon, tommy, johnhur 1 and 2, wally, and ginamasoni.
remember the road trip going the beach back in the day? we'd throw shit at each other, light shit on fire and then throw it, pass notes, shake hands with teh car next to us going 70mph, basically everything that typical idiots do.
just the thrill of going on a road trip with your friends. blasting music, windows down, smokin cigarettes, wind in the hair, etc.
me: do you guys want to play games?
gina: um...no.
turns out gina masoni likes to chat about culture on her road trip. you can imagine how excited i got when we got into the subject of poverty in asia. just kidding.
lol.
i've never seen or havent seen tommy and wally drink like that in a long, long time. it was pretty fuckin crazy. and add knives into the mix, and you got yourself a shit show. if you havent seen a video of it, go to our facebook. you'll just shake your heads and be like wow. what the fuck.

yesterday night we had a family reunion at my parents house. yes, my family is the only family that does family reunions on a wednesday night.
i have a chubby "nephew" i guess you can say. he's the son of my cousin. in korea that makes me his uncle. his name is sam. just kidding his name is fat sam. but i call him sam for short. used to be so cute. now hes just funny looking. the kid watches baseball. who the fuck watches baseball. he's the kinda slow one. smart kid, but a little slow sometimes. i'm actually lying i dont know if he's smart or not but i feel bad if i call him dumb and fat in the same paragraph. but he IS a good kid.
the meanest part? my sister, 25, me, 27, try to make him say dumb shit. for instance
me: so what grade are you going into next year?
sam: 6th...
mary: so that means you finished what grade?
sam: 5th.
me and my sister: drats.

saw karate kid the other day. that shit was pretty good, and surprisingly long. it sucks that jackie chan is getting old. i always loved his quirkiness. i don't know why, but when i was watching this movie, i expected it to be different. i dont know why. the fighting was better than the original though. the original one made everybody look constipated.
if this karate kid was in china, does that mean the second one is going to be in america?
the other thing about this movie was fans of the original like allroadsleadtomike, won't be able to quote famous lines. why? cause instead of shit like "sweep the leg", it sounds like "chingchongchangching"
im asian, its not racist if i say it.
kay bye

[fuck censorship]

2010-06-21T16:18:00.001-04:00

fuck censorship.

[lookalikes]

2010-06-16T09:40:00.000-04:00

lakers celtics going to game 7. awesome.
i love both teams. love the intensity of KG. love kobe's scoring.
but who do i want to win? lakers.
kobe is a man of business. do you see him in the beginning intros? everybodys doing low high fives and doing jumps and weird handshakes and fist pumpin shit. kobe? just walks out on the floor like he just took a shit. no special handshakes, no nothin. strictly business. i can totally see him being an asshole, but he's all about business.

i was doing research for work. i saw a banner.

that kid looks like soung! bobby's older brother!

then i started to think, who do my friends resemble?
bobby looks like

dahari looks like

phil (julias boyfriend) looks like

wally looks like

robin looks like

cleezy looks like

i bet all korean moms thinks gerald looks like

john kang looks like

but acts like

and yes.
i look like

[larrie and gracie]

2010-06-10T13:46:00.000-04:00

larry and grace

i went to my cousin's place on tuesday. she has two daughters and i dont even know their names. one is a four year old with the energy of a mountain lion. my cousin is a fob, so the kid's first language is korean. she recently picked up english. the younger one is less than a year old.
i asked the four year old what her name was. her response? a shrug, ran in a circle, followed by a high pitched scream. we can cross "doctor" off her possible career opportunities.
later i found out her name was grace. i then spent the next 10 minutes throwing the huge yoga ball at her head. which knocked her down several times but whatevs she was having the time of her life. after she grew weary or braindead, she gave me a book to read. i asked her if she liked this book. she said no. do you know how to read? she said no. i asked her what her favorite book was. she said "hello kitty." awesome. and she then threw the book to the ground as if she was making some sort of anti-book-reading statement. we then carried a 10 minute conversation about her preschool. this is part of the conversation we had.

me: what did you learn in school today?
grace: dinosauruses!
me: oh really! whats your favorite dinosaur?
grace: pink dinosarisus!
me: there isn't anything called a pink dinosaur dude
grace: i like pink dinosaras.

we then played with legos. she said "ill make train you make boat" i said cool. a few seconds later she said FINISH!. i curiously looked over to see what kind of train she made. what i saw was a massive lego blob of whatthefuckness. which looked liked absolute shit compared to my perfect boat. it was actually pretty impressive with the limited amount of supplies i had. i said hey grace look at this!
her response? "its okay i fix it".
i said "you dont need to fix it. its perfect!"
she then grabbed it. her way of fixing it? smashing it to the floor. we can cross "engineer" off her possible career opportunities.
what the fuck! i spent like a good 10 minutes on making it.

so i was playing and making her laugh. the thing about her laugh is that its just screaming. no "HAHAs", but more "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH" like i'm attacking her. and literally her little sister was just staring at me like "what the fuck is this man doing!" she was obviously traumatized. so when i took ONE step towards the younger one, she just broke out crying. and as a good older sister, grace ran to her and gave her the biggest bearhug, which was really cute.

the cutest moment of the afternoon was when i was leaving grace attached her to my leg and said "koala time" and told me to stay. i then accidentally bumped her into the wall and she didn't seem to miss me much after that. just kidding she still walked me outside.

[june ayth]

2010-06-08T14:25:00.001-04:00

good morning. i say good morning because i feel like i just woke up again. which means i feel like im going to work twice in one day. life is great.
yesterday i was eating a sandwich and then 30 minutes later i went to the bathroom. and i realized i had mayo on my nose. how come no one told me
and how the fuck did i get it on my nose
thats like getting ketchup in your armpits

the progressive lady is really, really annoying me these days. i see/hear her everywhere. like shes following me.

i've been eating almonds lately instead of chocolate.
they taste like shit.
but i pop em in my mouth. then i realize, hm, maybe thats not a good idea cause i could choke on them.
and what if i died?
people would ask how did he die?
someone would have to say "he choked on nuts"
thats just embarassing.

beardy's daughter is having a daughter. they are white.
name choices? renee. which is pretty. mikayla. which is also pretty. for a black girl.
heres a tip: name your kid that a name that would be acceptable with their race/skin color.
i'm not racist. well maybe a little. but like jokingly racist. anyways, you don't want to confuse the shit out of people.
thats why my name isn't luis or LeShaun.
i know i've blogged about this before, but this is bothering me.

[what a weekend]

2010-06-07T15:23:00.000-04:00

this weekend.
went to voldemort's house party. kegstands galore. i haven't done those in since college.
drinking a lot = hungover
hungover = unquenchable thirst.
unquenchable thirst = lots of drinking water
lots of drinking water = having to pee a lot
having to pee a lot = thirsty again
the cycle is just so annoying

everybody got bit up like hell by mosquitos. fucking damn.
sharons bites looks like she has a plague.
mine are cute and itchable.

Tommy: i was in line for the bathroom and i was next
she came up and was like can i go before you
and i was like fuck you
and she was like but im a girl
i dont care who you are you gotta wait your fuckin turn

lol what a dick. what a dick.

john hur is a vulgar guy. especially when he's drunk. there was a girl grinding the shit out of some dude at the house party.
john hur was still sober. he was like "what a dickbreaker yo"
and i laughed.
the next morning i was driving him to church.
john: remember dickbreaker girl?
me: yeah
john: i went up to her and told her she was a dickbreaker.
me: HAHA WHAT
john: i say fucked up shit when im drunk
lolol

what is wrong with my friends
and what the fuck is the alejandro song about

did you guys see the asian guy from the hangover give his speech on mtv movie awards?
it was sweet when he gave a shout out to his wife. but he was like going nuts so it made it less cute.
and i realized when mtv tries to make things funny, they add the word "fuck" to the script. its gotten played out. mtv = gay.
movie awards are still fun though.
lindsay lohan looks like shes about to die any second. so does the guy from man vs food. but at least he's entertaining and doesn't look like he's on crack.

[mem recap]

2010-06-02T13:43:00.000-04:00

things of the weekend.

Txt of the weekend: "Got home safe. Fuck All yall." - Bobby Kim
Drunk of the weekend: John Kang
WTF moment: *** jumping into pool at 2 am

saturday john hur came over. at 4 pm. i dont' see him at 4pm normally. it was so out of norm that we when he came over, we did not know what to do. i couldve sat there and watched tv til 9pm, but for some reason i was getting antsy and bored. so whats the only reasonable option? alcohol.
so me tommy johnhur and voldemort proceeded to play drinkin games. next thing i know, im sleeping on cleezys shoulder.
next thing i know i wake up on the floor at midnight. "fuck we were supposed to meet steve at k street." i thought. oops.
then i hear
"your head is heavy as fuck and you snore loud as hell." - cleezy.
how cute he let me sleep on his shoulder <3

i went to the gym saturday morning. i saw one of the lifeguards cleaning the pool. she was standing so close to the edge. and i was thinking if i screamed really loud, would she fall in?
or just give me the "what the hell was that" look. anyways i saw her lose her balance a little bit. then i got excited cause i thought she was going to fall in, but she didnt.
next time ima throw a rock at her head to make her fall in.

[music]

2010-05-27T16:30:00.000-04:00

these days ive been listening to a lot of random shit.
this is my listening schedule.

9am-noon - sports radio. espn, 106.7, whatever. by the time it hits 12, i feel like can start my own sports column or radio show. when i feel like i can't take anymore of the same arguments being made by different people, i'll change it.
12-1 lunch time.
1-1:30 - Glee Radio. on AOL radio, theres a station dedicated to glee songs. gets me pumped up, it really does. not only that, it inspires me to become a better singer. it sucks that this pretty face doesn't have a pretty voice to go along with it. good, good station. but i only listen to it for 30 minutes due to my fear of turning homo.
1:30-4 - Hip Hop, Korean, Pop, rock whatever. usually ill turn it to 90s hip hop. 90s hip hop = best hip hop. without a fuckin doubt. too bad the kids these days are missing out the era of gangsta rap. now they have like weird emo rap. which is not bad, but nothin beats gangsta. they still have good club hits, even though 90's club hits were better. the only bad part of gangsta rap is when they play it at the club. its kind of hard to dance to "hit em up". just gets people angry at each other.
4 to 5pm. christian music. okay its weird. i know its a complete 180 from gangsta rap. bu. and i know a lot of yall don't think of me as a church kind of guy but doesn't mean i can't listen to some good ol christian music. really does settle me down. lets time fly by. go ahead and make fun of me. i dare you. lets see what happens to you. haha

is that a weird listening schedule? if you it is, think of it like this.
a guy wakes up, listens to the weather, news, and sports. finds out that is favorite team just lost. after that, he finds out that his son enrolled into the glee club. the most homo club of all time. then after that, he gets all angry, gets gangsta and goes murder crazy. but then after he realizes the damage he's done, he seeks forgiveness and goes soul searchin.

thats weird, i know.
this whole time i thought it was fuckin friday.
gahddd.

we had a company bbq today.
it was fun. my boss asked for help. and so i did.
warehouse guy: helpin him out?
me: yup. im his go to guy
warehouse guy: so basically his bitch.
me: no no no. his number 2.
warehouse guy: his shit?
me: no. his right hand man.
warehouse guy: giggles*

man. i think i just met someone more immature than me.

[lindsay]

2010-05-26T13:31:00.000-04:00

lindsay lohan looks 40. i coulda sworn i was older than her. but somehow she managed to age real quick. she looks angry all the damn time. like what are you always mad about.

her mom grosses me out. living her life through her daughters. shes real gross.

[costc-ho]

2010-05-24T14:24:00.001-04:00

went to costco this saturday to get my tires changed.
had to wait for an hour so what did i do? go to the sample sections. i was flippin hungry.

i had some cereal, blueberries, an assortment of vegetables, lobster dip on crackers, garlic bread, chicken, and chinese bbq pork.
all samples. oh and for dessert i had cinnamon rolls. also the sample.
washed it down with some kirkland green tea.

i saw a sample stand in the very back dark corner. why isn't anybody going there? i walked up. asian lady. handed me a sample of kimchee. i was like holy shit when did they start giving this out.

i was waiting in line for the chinese bbq pork sample.
and i was just standing there. then all of a sudden, 3 fucking asian elder ladies just cut in front of me. did i say something? nah. i don need to bitch. but WHAT THE FUCK. i hate how asian old ladies whether korean or chinese or whatever just cut in front of you just cause they're the elders n shit. and they expect us to respect them and shit. respect my nuts you fuck and get behind me. i wonder if they woulda still cut in front of me if i was white. either way, asians and free stuff gets too out of control.

so i was standing in line to get some real food. costco food is so damn cheap. everything costs less than a two dollars basically. but they dont accept cards. but its okay cause i remembered i have about 10 bucks in my wallet.
the choices were
hot dog, chicken bake, pizza, smoothie, sunday, or churro.
i was thinking i'll get real food and then dessert. opened up my wallet. my heart skipped a beat as i pulled out my ones. they were folded. which meant SHIT $4!!!
its okay though, cause i still can get two things if i don't get the chicken bake.
i was next in line. so excited. i didnt know what iw as going to get but i was just going to say the first thing that comes to my mind. until.
i saw someone walk by me with hand dipped ice cream. WHEN THE HELL DID THEY GET THAT SHIT. i was gawking at it as if it was a hot naked girl.
walked up. i was so shocked at what i just saw that i didnt know what i wanted.
my mind was so hysterical that i blacked out.
next thing i know im holding a very berry sundae and some change.
damn it. this isn't what i wanted. i stood there eating my dissappointing ice cream.

oh man i drank til 430 am saturday morning and was out in dc til 330am sunday morning.
haven't done that kinda of shit in a long, LONG time.

[gym story #5]

2010-05-20T15:08:00.000-04:00

last night i went to the gym and i went on the treadmill. it was me and this black guy. dude looked very hip hop cultured.
he was changing the channel. i was thinking "hope he turns on the lakers vs suns game" which he did. but then he changed it. i was like what the fuck
and what did he turn on? Grey's Anatomy. imagine Ice Cube watching Grey's Anatomy. thats how strange it was.
and then i found out why. he has a white girlfriend/wife and a golden retriever. that would explain it all. not being racist, but that explains it. if you saw a white girl drink soju you would be confused. but when you saw her korean boyfriend you would be like ohh okay that makes sense. even though you rarely see white girl with asian boy.

beardy sits behind me. every now and then he gets up, walks out for 3 seconds and walks back in.
what is the damn point? WHY does he do that shit? it gets me paranoid cause i feel like he's watching my monitor but i know he's not. i just dont like that feeling.
then it hit me.
he probably has to fart. cause thats exactly what would do. lol cause thats exactly what i do!

gay!

[the battle]

2010-05-19T10:20:00.000-04:00

brian and jenn gave me 3 bags of candy. i took in a bag of candy a day to work.

my boss is really cool and nice. i am really nice and cute.
my boss likes candy. i like candy.
my boss loves chocolate. i love chocolate.
my boss has diabetes. i have bags of candy on my desk.

he looks at my candy stash, and then looks at me.
and i give him the "take some if you want" look.
he gives me the "damn straight cause your my bitch" look.
and i give him the "maaaan" look
me: feel free to take some if you like
boss: goody!

reaches over and takes the kit kat.

i was about to slap his hand. not the kit kats. that is mine!!
but too late. he ate it.
walked away.

4 hours later,
comes in and takes my snickers.
again i was about to slap his hand.
first kit kats, and now my snickers.
his tyranny must end.

so this morning, i ate all my favorite candy before he could get any.
within 9:30am-9:40am i did work on my candy.
now all thats left is lemonheads (ew), laffy taffys (eh), and sweet tarts (more like sweet farts).
but now i have a tummy ache.

its okay. sacrifices must be made.
my boss walked in.
stared at my candy.
boss: wheres the good stuff? i guess i'll take your last hershey.
SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY THERE WAS A HERSHEY LEFT?
how did i not see that!!

::(

[wht a weekend]

2010-05-17T11:19:00.000-04:00

my weekend was exhausting but a LOT of fun.
saturday i woke up at 5:50am to coach the girls in the basketball tournament.
holy shat.
first game, down by one, with 10 seconds left, our best player on the line. she just got fouled. two shots.
only needs one to tie. she makes almost all her free throws. this should be easy for her.
but the pressure is on. first shot? air-balled. i was like what the fuck. what the fuck is that shit.
second shot? in!
then back the fuck out!
WHAT THE HELL!!! gahd she was devastated though. it was sad.

went to dahari's party. boy people were wasted. this was the same party...but kind of...opposite. like bizarro world.
it was still really fun. but like an alternate world.
Fact checks:
-Bobby was drunk. Real drunk. like what the fuck drunk. but the kid still had his shirt on. I call this the classier drunk bobby. i call him: Bobbington Kim. but he did manage to yell at every girl there so it wasn't too different.
-Beer Pong is always the continuing game. Tommy and mike usually go undefeated. or tommy bobby. something like that. but who did? my sister and tina. wat the hell again. me and steve mightve been the only ones to beat them?
-maria was drunk. in the past it wouldve been a shocker, but these days, maria is the new wrecking machine. how is that bizarro? because she slept at my parents house. and MELISSA out of all people hid her keys. MELISSA did.

highlight of the night.
Wallys sister stopped by for a brief moment. she is skinny as a twig. john hur was walking out, tripped off the deck and fell into her. he basically tackled her and tried to break his fall. but she jus stood there.

awesome night, got heavy buzzed or a little drunk. i took a 5 hr energy drink at 11:30pm since i was up so early and was busy the whole day. couldn't fall asleep til 4. that was a dagger.

the south korea 2010 world cup jersey came out.
in the past, everything was cool except the color. on tv it was red. on online links (below), it shows red.
but when you see or receive the jersey, it was a some kind of homo-erotic pink.
and the 2010 jersey? same thing. ah but wait! just wait.
theres something new to this. and what is it?
they have decided to put tiger stripes on the jersey. as if it wasn't gay enough already, they have decided to put animal print on our 2010 world cup jersey.
this jersey isn't for a 2pm concert or Super Junior concert. (Korean band names)
gahd. what the heck. i mean fuck.

[this weekend what!]

2010-05-14T11:40:00.000-04:00

this weekend
is going to be a long one.
tomorrow i'm coaching my church girls basketball team. i've practiced my coaching face. i've practiced my coaching tantrums. got everything on track. cept instead of all that, i shouldve spent my time coaching the girls instead. the thing about girls is that you teach them something, but when the game starts they run around screaming like a bunch of crazies. man if we start losing bad, ima just mess with my own team. i'ma just call out random plays we've never discussed that i've seen on nba2k9 (PS3 video game). ima yell to them " AY!! run the.."
"Screen Buck 3"
"Iso 5 Jet"
"Triangle Double Screen Kobe"
then to fuck with them even more ima start yelling out old movie titles
"Back to the Future 3!"
"Raiders of the lost ark 2"
and then as my last act of desperation ima just yell out stuff from an old applebee's menu
"NAWLIN' SIZZLIN SKILLET"
"Oriental Express Chicken and Rice"
"All you can eat Riblets for $9.99"

they're probably going to be like what the fuck is he doing.

mike just wrote me an email and had the word beer bong. fuck. remember those? i haven't done one in so long. classic beer bong moments?
john kang would just sit there and do beer bongs while we're eating.... breakfast.
tommy beer bonged jungle juice and threw up everywhere. in melissa's kitchen. that was the first time they met.
slimey would call his beer bong "betsy"
betsy was a fucking whore mike. betsy was a whore.

have a great weekend yall,
lp out.
::)

[need these]

2010-05-12T23:20:00.000-04:00

holy shat. ima get these. someone find this for me.

[hbo is hmo]

2010-05-11T22:10:00.000-04:00

i've had hbo for about a week now. the last time i had it was when i used to live in great falls.

the second day i got it "the dark knight" came on. one of my new favorite movies of all time. i got to watch the last 5 minutes. boo.

the next 5 days, i've checked hbo to see if it was back on. and every damn time i checked,
"the black knight" was on. and every damn time i saw that title, i mistakened it for "the dark knight." and it fucks with me every damn time.

i mistakened this

for this

so you can imagine how disappointed i was.

[art]

2010-05-11T00:14:00.000-04:00

it reminds me of someone i know

intense huh

woww

pretty cool right

[inspect yoself]

2010-05-10T14:44:00.000-04:00

ate at taco bell.
feel like im getting a heart attack.

yesterday i was on my way to peking gourmet. driving my car. my car's inspection expired at 12/09. still haven't done it.
in that time, i've drove past 23423423 cops. cops have pulled over next to me. cops have seen it before. no one has ever done anything.
yesterday i was driving through an unexpected 25mph zone. going probably 35.
and there i saw him. the cop. with his radar gun out. pointing right at me. i saw him put the gun away, and sprinted to his car.
i thought to myself "FUCCCKING SHIT HE GOT ME."
flashing lights. pulled over, and comes up to me.

idiot cop: sir license and registration
idiot me: OH MY GAHD i'm sorry for speeding its just that i'm late for a mothers day dinner and--
idiot cop: i pulled you over for your state inspection.
idiot me: oh.
and there, 10 minutes later he gave me a ticket for my inspection. i drove away thinking *phew i got away with that one.

3 seconds later, i started thinking about it.
1. how the fuck did the cop see my inspection sticker? i was pretty far from the guy and going at a decent speed where reading the number or seeing the small square colored box would have been close to impossible.
2. did he really just run to his car, speed up, drive through all the traffic to pull me over for an inspection? not EVEN for speeding???
DID HE REALLY JUST FUCKIN DO THAT?
WHAT A FUCKING TOOL. i was furious. i bet he told on people a lot when he was a kid.

one of my youth group girls, who is 15 or 16 told me that she was a good driver. she also said "but you know what pisses me off? people who pass me on the road when im driving. like what the hell. so thats why i have to speed up. i have to be first."
we need to raise that driving age again.

[huh]

2010-05-07T00:06:00.000-04:00

you guys wanted pictures? ill just post random photos up teheheheheh. this week has been a very tv-emotional moment for me. so many of my favorite characters have recently died. im not going to say their names in case you haven't seen it. i hate people who spoil shit. they deserve to literally die.

i went to the gym last week. on my way there i saw about 5 kids playing with swords and shields. and a soccerball. these kids were larping. live action role-playing. which isn't bad cause their kids. except there was one lady looking like she was 30 playing with them. could be a mom. or a giant girl with saggy arms. but she was dressed up in full gear. pretty crazy shit. but its good to see kids play like that. using some imagination instead of just playing video games and watching tv.

what? !

[rip ass groove]

2010-05-06T10:12:00.000-04:00

i walked in my office today and saw mr betes half-sitting in my chair talking to beardy. why half sitting? cause he can't fit cause of the side arms.
first thought? gross. he saw me and got up.
i looked at my chair, and it looked like a wreck. and he completely demolished my ass groove!
the ass groove i've been working for about 2.5 years was instantly crushed in one moment.
not only that, it killed the padding too.
i feel like im sitting on a rock.
the worst part of it all? its warm and damp. so fucking gross i had to walk around a bit to let my seat cool. i bet this guy has constant swamp ass.
no man that large should ever sit in another mans chair.
its a crime against humanity, it really is.
its like if i put on a kid's hat and stretched it out. i guess it wouldn't matter if it was an adult size had cause i would stretch that out too. shit i even stretch out Stretch-Fit hats.
or like bobby wearing skinny jeans.
it just shouldnt be allowed.

did any of you guys watch lost this past week?
fucking crazy. fucking .........crazy.

[darrell]

2010-05-05T14:31:00.000-04:00

we got a new warehouse worker today. he is black. i am restraining myself to call him darrell.
looks like some of my coworkers are going to have to put a hold their racist jokes.
before this new guy, we didn't have a black coworker for a while. when beardy used to tell me a story about a black guy or something, he would do a 1 mile check to see if there were any around. and the story wasn't even racist! or he would always do what i like to call the "whisper of the black". which means you whisper the word black. he told me a story like this.

yesterday i was looking at some paint at home depot. and there was a .....black guy........ who accidentally dropped his pen in my shopping bag!

speaking of black things, i love chocolate. i love crossaints.

here is one of my favorite recipes.

Sexy Crossaint
Prep time: 2 minutes
Cooking time: 1 minute

Ingredients and things you need:
1 crossaint
1 chocolate hershey kiss
1 knife of nutella. (the measuring of knife is equivalent to sticking a knife in the jar and lifting it up)
powdered sugar (optional)
1 sexy strawberry (optional)
1 ice cube

cut the crossaint in half. spread the knife of nutella and put a hershey kiss on top. put it back together. microwave it for 10 seconds. take it out. let it cool for 1 minute. Put the strawberry on top and sprinkle some crack (powdered sugar) on it.
after eating, put the ice cube in your mouth. cause what you just ate was hot and sexy and you gotta cool yo damn self. enjoy.

::P

[bacoon!]

2010-05-04T16:23:00.000-04:00

my boss's office is right next to mine. he's a heavy guy. but nowhere near to mr. betes. he keeps his door open unless he has a meeting or unless he's napping or something. i dont know.
sometimes throughout the day, i'll be on facebook, playing phone games, texting, chatting etc.
but i still get my shit done.
anyways, his chair has a certain squeak. whenever im on facebook or something i turn my hearing up. when i hear the *squeak i quickly get back to work. and he usually comes in and pops his head in. just to start small talk or ask me something.
that was the past.
i was on facebook today and blahblahblah
boss: hows it going
me: OH SHIT! sorry bossman you startled me.
boss: its okay.

i thought my hearing was a fluke.
until 30 minutes later
i'm texting and then...he is standing behind me.
boss: nice day aint it?
me: FUCK! sorry boss you scared me again.
boss: hahah whats wrong with you today
me (thinking): NOTHING WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

turns out he put lube on the squeaky part so it doesn't squeak anymore. this sucks for me.
at least he's cool.

i was getting a sub from subway today. i ordered blt. i'm in love with blt's these days.
they microwaved the bacon.
as he was pulling the bacon out, one dropped on the floor but he didn't notice.
i was thinking if i should say something? but then i was thinking man, that would make me sound like a total fat ass.
hopefully he'll notice? it started to really bother me. in one way, its helping me away from fatty foods. the other way, i'm losing precious bacon. and i'm paying for it.
i'm also thinking, man this is the only subway around the area and i see this guy every week. i dont want him to think of me as a fatass.

so i decided not to say anything. not because i'm a pushover, but just cause i didn't want to create a scene.
but that one strip couldve really helped my hunger right now.

sigh.
::(

[welcome home humidity]

2010-05-03T16:08:00.000-04:00

someone's making a comeback special, and its name is humidity. thats right folks. this past weekend marked the annual return of humidity. this is when i start to think "man, living in cali or somewhere in the west other than seattle would be REALLY awesome." but fuck that im east coast for life. i just wish humidity was gone :(
you walk out and its like "you can touch the air" (kim, 5/2). its really gross. its like jumping into a barrel of honey, then jumping into a pool of mayonaise and then taking a 3 minute shower. it just feels so gross.

i saw adventureland last night.
The Wackness > Adventureland.
both movies are great to watch sunday night on your computer while doing something else. as compared to sitting in a movie theater and watching it...i think it would be a little bit dragged on.
both movies make me wish i smoked a little bit more weed and had more courage to approach rebellious rich girls who always had an empty house and a pool.
i was watching it and i was wondering is kristen stewart hot? or not? pretty? or pretty average? the girl next door? or the girl who looks like a door
sometimes i think man, this girl is gorgeous and really pretty.
then sometimes i see her pale face/legs and im like wtf was i thinking.
one thing is for certain. if she walked by, i would NOT do a double take. but if she stopped and talked to me, i would then probably think "oh this girl is actually pretty" or maybe i would get excited just because a girl is actually talking to me.
just kidding i got swagg.
jk i don't.

beardy was working with a client out in our lobby. the client had a beard too, but his mustache was uncanny. it swirled up like a pizzamaker from the 1940s.
they came into our office to talk some more. i share an office with beardy. i listened to them talk.
about beards.
for 10 minutes.
the questions they asked each other were like
"whats the longest its been?"
"whens the last time you shaved it off completely?"
"what made you cut it?"
they should form a club. they're secret handshake would be to let their beards intertwine and merge as one like they did in avatar.
people with beards are weird.
wally had a beard. he was already weird before so it made him even weirder.
sometimes i think gina masoni aka choi has an invisible beard cause shes' weird.
im going to call her beardo the weirdo tomorrow. she's not going to understand why.
and i'm not going to explain it to her.
and shes just going to ignore me afterwards.
that is my goal tomorrow.
to have her ignore me.

::]

[random notes]

2010-04-30T16:01:00.001-04:00

the mail lady came in today and asked me to sign something. she did not look happy.
me: hello! youre not the usual mail lady what happened?
lady: what happened? basically i got fucked. i got fucked by the man.
me: oh. i'm sorry.
(signing it faster)
me: "here you go. thank you. have a great weekend!"

poor mail lady.

did you guys know that the wheelchair glasses guy from glee was the pizza delivery boy who was held hostage by michael scott and dwight shrute in the office? its weird when you see that.

lebron's jersey was number 1 selling this year. fuck lebron. i'm not a big jersey guy, but these are the jerseys i want.

1. every single one of jordan's jerseys. including usa. and space jams jersey. i can do without the wizards one.
2. mario lemieux's penguin jersey. sorry caps fans, i liked him.
3. ovechkin's
4. penny hardaway's magic .
5. charlie conway's mighty ducks (version 1)
6. peja stojatikkoavivoicoic's kings
7. webber's bullets
8. DX's "suck it"
9. beckham's manchester united. why? hes a hottie. i'm not gay.
10. bo jackson's raiders
11. gretzkys kings.
(hehe i just mentioned all the pro stars jerseys. you guys know what show i'm talking about)
12. shane falco's washington sentinels jerseys. one of the best fictional qb's of all time. gotta give the man some respect.
13. daniel larusso's karate uniform with the bonsai tree on the back. its a jersey to me.
14. a.c slater's bayside tigers jersey.
15. bobby kim's high school's lacrosse jersey. just kidding.

what yall doing this weekend?
go out and party.
have a great weekend yall.
::)

[c-a-p-suck too]

2010-04-29T14:34:00.000-04:00

caps lost last night. BIG sad face. people say "yet another curse to washington sports teams." its not a curse. its a damn lifestyle.
wizards traded away their best players to good teams. which is good, cause i want to see jamison and butler to succeed but we are left here to suck. with "agent zero: license to shoot 23423 shots per quarter but no license to carry firearms".
redskins are trying to build a "superbowl now" team by getting all of these old ass mofuckers that nobody wants.
caps were the number 1 team in the league, but of course in playoffs we go to game 7 yet again. lost a 3-1 series lead to the number 8 team. seirously? seriously.
nationals....the only good thing about the nationals is the hats and lemonade. oh and hot dogs. and cotton candy. nothing relevant to winning.
d.c united...i don't even know if thats the right soccer team name.
washington warthogs...the indoor soccer team...haven't seen their commercials since 1994.

i offically hate the canadiens too. what kinda team name is that anyways. its like being called the "the washington americans" or having a team called the seoul koreans. the shanghai chinamen. or the brooklyn scary black guys. or the tijuana future illegal americans.

this past weekend i bought a pair of shorts online. for those of you who hang out with me, you know my style. skater clothes. but i don't skate...which makes me a poser. fuck you i can wear what i want.
so the pair of shorts i bought were dark red and from volcom just like my other shorts. these were dark red. i got them the other day and tried them on.
WHAT THE FUCK.
these came up to my mid thighs! these arent like the other ones i have! the thigh hair was really buggin out of my shorts. even i thought it was gross. usually i think my thigh hair is cute.
time to return em.

i was watching simpsons on tv last night around midnight. midnight tv means sexy commercials with ugly women.
usually theres a bunch of those "single ladies available please call now" commercials.
the commercials usually have these girls that confuse you. confuse? you first see them and you think oh man its one of these sexy commercials so you automatically think hot girl!
first cause how they pose. then after a couple seconds you realize they're clothes look like their from the 1990s. then you realize "what the fuck is this shat"
anyways....
geico commercial, progressive auto insurance, esurance commericial...and then
a hot girl in pajamas on her bed. here we go again.
but she's on her laptop...weird.
with a pen and paper in her hand...weird.
what kind of fucked up sexy scenario is this?
she is cute though. the website pops up on the bottom.
what kind of sexy website is called "bestdegree123.com"?
then i realized it was a online college commercial. wow what a way to trick me.
bestdegree123? sounds like a website made by one of my mom's church friends.

>::(

[nothing]

2010-04-28T13:52:00.001-04:00

if you were looking for something interesting to read, this is not the place you want to be.

today i came into work thinking, "fuck i didn't pack my lunch and i feel too lazy to get something to eat."
around 11:50, our vendor came in. with papa john's pizza. so it worked out for me.

that is all.
::|

[my 4.25 weekend]

2010-04-26T11:11:00.000-04:00

my friend donny from richmond came to visit this past weekend. which meant! a little reunion with the non original gangstas from vcu.
had a little soju during dinner. yuck. drinking coke > drinking soju. we took the opportunity to try out tommy's new beer pong table. i beat tommy on his own table. twice. suck it. patron is no good.

i saw a movie preview the other day on apple's movie trailer website. "the good, the bad, and the weird". what initially attracted me was the title and the action-like movie poster. i clicked on it, and saw the preview. three words simply describes my reactions. and they are what. the. fuck.
its a korean movie. it has the guy from the 90's cult classic "beat." and i think psy? its a fat funny lookin korean dude.
whats the fucked up part? ITS A FUCKIN WESTERN! like cowboys! like actual gunslingin cowboys!
this is what you white people get for making tom cruise the last samurai. or kevin costner as an indian. or that white paraplegic man as a blue alien avatar.
a korean western flick. that is what you get.
lol to piss them off even more they shouldve made a korean george washington movie.
or Dr. Martin Luther Kim Jr.
zing.

on saturday we went to go watch kickass. its a rated r movie.
tommy, sharon, donny gave their tickets and walked in.
me and mihyun approached the ticket man. he was really short. looked like a midget. lol the ticket midget.
ticket midget: I.D please.
mihyun pulled out her wallet. happens a lot actually.
ticket midget: no. YOU
me: ME?
ticket midget: yes you.
me: are you serious?
ticket midget: yes i have to check.
WHAT THE FUCK. bitch im 27! i'm 10 years older than the legal age to watch a rated r movie! i even had a slight mustache! although it DID make me feel a little good about myself looking so cute and young.
but man. i know i definitely don't look 17. i think he was just trying to insult me. should've stepped on him.

on sunday, this kid came to my church and asked one of my youth group kids to prom. with flowers, and poster boards saying will you go to prom with me.
fuck man when i was in high school i asked juliana to go to prom on the way to cvs in her honda cr-v! some people even asked on aim. what the fuck is with this romantic asking shit? its like a marriage proposal!
it is cute though i have to admit. if i asked juliana to go to prom again i would probably email her. actually gchat. thats more efficient. jk juliana.
man imagine the kind of shit they're going to have to do for proposals in the future if they're doing shit like this now just for prom. chivalry making a comeback?
chivalry is back. and its in form of a person. with glasses. and his name rhymes with gary. but starts with an "l". no, not lgary.

its monday.
not gonna be a funday.
sigh. this weekend went by way too fast.

::)

[twitt]

2010-04-23T11:56:00.001-04:00

i have a headache. like real bad. like hungover bad. i didn't even drink. my head is 10x larger than yours so my headaches are 10x worse.

on my twitter account, i follow cnn.com. they have news and it makes me feel intelligent to know what goes on in the world.
"Archie comics intoduces first openly gay character."
wow. first of all, what kind of news is that. what a waste of a tweet. second of all, out of all the comic books, yall chose archie. third of all, first gay guy in a comic book? i don't think so.
robin was the first gay guy. but then again he is badass when he turns into nightwing. but thats comic book talk. yall just don't know.

why would you introduce a gay character in archie? i didn't even know people still read archie! i didn't even know they still published new ones!
the only thing i know about archie is that theres a guy that loves hamburgers. every guy in archie looks gay already. can somebody give me the demographics on who reads archie?

in other gay news, i was looking up locations for the restaurant "guapos". i automatically went to guapos.com. wrong. thats actually the world's "#1 meeting men site".
gahd, another accidental gay site on my history for internet explorer. time to hit the "clear history" button. and yes, i said another.

i went to a church COLLEGE girl's facebook to ask a question. i saw on her profile "follow me on twitter." i went to her twitter site.
there are 2 tweets.

first tweet - "0"
second tweet - "How do you follow your heart"

um....yeah, i don't think anybody's going to be following her twitter for a long, long time.

Phone Convo of the day: lady mumbling a LOT. think she was eating something.

me: and what was your name again?
lady: Lizzie Crotch
me: l- i -z-z-i-e?
lady: correct.
me: and...um..how...do..you spell..crotch...
lady: excuse me?
me: your last name?
lady: its crouch. c r o u c h. couch with an r.
me: oh. sorry.
lady: its okay.

have a great weekend yall.
smell you later
::)

[shibahl]

2010-04-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

its a rainy day. i don't really mind rainy days. unless its sunday. sunday should always be a nice day. anyways i got in my car. looked at the time.
"SHIT! i'm late for work" i exclaimed. i was about to speed off but wait! i forgot my sandwich! so i went back in, got my lunch, and sped off again.
tuned into my regular stations, 94.7, 939, 955, 106.7, and 94.3. good stuff.
fuck 995 and the kane show. they all sound like douchebags.

as i'm rolling in, i do my usual scoping of the lot to see if my boss is in yet.
"YES! he aint in ye---" THUDDD! ERR THUDDDD!
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
and then all of a sudden my car had this weird smell. shit did it fuck up my engine?
it smelled HORRIBLE. i thought it was an engine leak or something. i don't know much about cars, so my imagination tends to run wild when i don't know what happened.

parked my car and walked in the office. smelled awful. and i talked to beardy.
"beardy, whats that on the road?
"a dead wompy cat."
"what the fuck is that?"
"a skunk. and you hit it didn't you"
i looked down in shame and embarrassment as if i got drunk, left the club without telling anybody, went to the parking lot, passed out between the cars and threw up on myself. oh wait. thats right. that was...

FUCKING HELL. SMELLS SOOOO BAD. and what was worse? the road is right in front of our office building. when i hit that piece of shit dead skunk, i guess it triggered a second wave of stankness. so now our first floor in the office smells like skunk. my office is on the first floor.

and people are blaming me. i would understand it if i farted and stank up the office but i didn't. at least not yet. i just happened to hit the skunk and spread its wave of stank into the office okay i guess its my fault.

at least free chinese food today! but can't enjoy it with the stank lingering around my desk. feels like i'm eating fart. plus i packed my lunch for nothing. sigh.
this would've never happened to maverick.

[runner up]

2010-04-20T15:26:00.000-04:00

today is national 4.20 day. or what i like to call "hanging out with js today would be fun"
i wouldn't mind smoking a "bad" thing right now.

i went to the gym last night. there were only 2 other people in there.
one was a girl, and she was hot. that is, until....
she started running on the treadmill.
her legs were going 90 degrees as she ran. like she was being chased by an awkward monster.
it could also be described as if she was constantly almost falling.
and her shoes were making little fart noises. maybe it was just coming from her. either way...
status went from a 7 to a 3.5

last night i finished my third munny.
meet clark kent.

::)

[back]

2010-04-19T14:35:00.000-04:00

after a someone lengthy hiatus, i am back.
first things first: congratulations to juliana and james on their marriage/wedding. fun wedding. drank from 4pm to 12am. that was a trip.
and i did the normal routine:
eat lots of cake, take ridiculous pictures, and attempt to breakdance on the floor.
i danced with my mom on the dance floor and she told me to get out of her way cause i couldn't keep up with her.
gahd. rejected by my own mother.

i wore my suit for the first time since christmas. and guess what? my pants didn't fit. :(
so i left it unbuttoned and just wore the belt. so did wally.
it actually did fit. but i didn't think i could suck in my stomach for 8 hours so i just said fuck it and let it out.
i even woke up at 6 am to work out, skipped lunch, just so my pants could fit a little better. didn't work.
how embarassing.
whats even more embarrassing is that by the end of the night i was wearing my suit and tie without a shirt. i looked like a fat asian stripper.
even MORE embarrassing is that im pretty sure mikes parents saw me passed out on the couch in my little slutty outfit.

as soon as the reception started my dad grabbed me
pop: tell your sister not to drink too much. but don't tell her i said it.
me: okay.
pop: but say it nonchalantly.
me: sure thing pop.
i walked away from him thinking, jee, my dad must really think i'm responsible now. he didn't say anything like "don't drink too much" to me. it made me smile.
me: hey papa said not to drink too much tonight
sister: okay. he told me to tell you the same thing.
dang. my dad tried to work us against each other.

today i sat in my chair. looked to the left, looked to the right, and looked behind me.
i was checking if anybody was looking at me.
and so i proceeded to stick my finger in my nose to settle an itch.
as soon as my finger went to the cave...
my coworker popped right in.
gahd damn it.
its like he walked in on me in a bathroom stall.
that was mad awkward.

semi colon semi colon closed paranthesis

[mr betes]

2010-04-09T10:58:00.000-04:00

Conversation of the Day:
maria: the person who made it doesn't want it, the person who bought it doesn't use it, the person who is using it doesn't know they're using it. what is it?
Sent at 12:18 PM on Friday
me: love.
Sent at 12:19 PM on Friday
maria: no!
me: a big black dildo
maria: NO!

the end.

so i'm working at my desk like a good employee. i hear mr. betes in the printing/copy room. he got out of his chair for once. thats weird. then i hear some beeps.
*printer beep*
"what the fuck." - mr betes. he then presses a button.
*printer beep*
"FUCK" - mr. betes. presses another button.
*beep*
"FUCKING RIDICULOUS"
"beep beep*
"LARRY!"
(i wait)
*printer beep*
"gahd damn it. LARRY THIS PIECE OF SHIT AINT WORKIN"

the thing about mr betes is that he is a nice guy but he's also lazy, hot tempered, and gets frustrated VERY easily. its literally ridiculous how frustrated he gets. everybody else usually listens when he gets frustrated. its actually quite entertaining. why did i wait? first of all, does it look like its my job? second of all, im helping YOU out mr fatfucker, so would it kill you to ask me nicely? third of all, its just funny to see him so upset about something that is so simple.

me - "whats up b money"
mr betes -"it says there aint any 11 x 17 paper"
me - "did you check if there was 11 x 17 in there?
mr betes - "YES! AND THERE ISNT"
me - "................so.....whats...the problem?"
mr betes - "i need to print on 11 x 17 paper!"
me - "so...put it in there you silly man"
mr betes - "there isn't any!"
me - "so...............why am i in here again?"
mr betes - "i need some gahd damn 11 x 17 paper!"
me - "why you tellin me? go fuck yourself. just kidding. just print it out on regular paper."
mr betes - "HOW?!"
me - "how? go to your computer and press print."
mr betes - "ITS IN THE COPIER!
me - "wait what? whats in the copier?"
mr betes - "what i need to print is in the copier and i need it on 11 x 17 paper!"
me- "oh so you need to make a copy."
mr betes "YES LARRY BUT ITS NOT WORKING!

i select the "8 x 11" tray and press start. and walk out the room.

mr betes - "gahd dang this piece of shit. fuckin ridiculous how stupid this shit is"

this is coming from the guy who can't spell "brochures". i actually knew what he was trying to do like 7 minutes earlier. if he asked me nicely and calmly from the beginning i wouldve told him so.

be nice. enjoy the weekend.

::)

[.17 man]

2010-04-07T10:29:00.000-04:00

I owe tommy a check, and i asked him last night how much it was. And he responded to me this morning.

10:09 AM Tommy: 129.17 is the magic number
10:10 AM me: how many boys you slept with
10:11 AM Tommy: there no way i can get .17 boys
10:12 AM me: yes you can
you know the saying "he's just half a man"
Tommy: that gives me .5 then
mathematically prove it and ill admit to it
me: LOL okay

Therefore, Tommy is gay.

10:30 AM Tommy: HAHAHAHAHA
me: LOL
Tommy: ok i am gay

this is what i do when im bored at work.
::)

[100 and 27]

2010-04-05T12:42:00.000-04:00

thanks to everybody for the birthday wishes. 27. what the fuck happened to me. i used to be 8. 99% of my memories come after the age of 8. and im afraid every year that number is going to grow. ULTRA SAD FACE.

if it was a night to remember, sucks to be me cause i dont really remember much of the night.
"you know when you're real drunk when you can't find the rhythm when dancing and you just quit." - tommy kim
i just know i threw up twice and i blacked the fuck out. woke up, don't really remember much of sunday morning, and went to church half drunk and half ready to puke on any kid that bumped into me.
sounds like early 20s version of larry.
cept for the fact that 1 shot got me drunk, 4 got me to puke that night.
that sounds like high school version of larry.

in religion news, i went to church on saturday to "help" my youth group kids make easter egg baskets. and guess who got to eat the cracked eggs?
yours truly. i ate 9 hard boiled eggs on saturday. and two egg salad sandwiches. im currently looking into egg eating championships.

thank you to all who are celebrating this national holiday. in the past 27 years, God has blessed me with an awesome family, loving friends, and this amazing body.
as i enter the latter years of my 20's, i realize how much the people around me has shaped me into the man i am now. whether its my parents, my evil sister, my brothas, voldemort, my friends, my hyungs, and even my church kids, they've all influenced me in one way or another. there are some things i wish i could take back, but if it were to change the life i have now, i would only wish for a different head size. none of you will understand the amount of stretched out neck holes i had on my t shirts when i was a child. i hope that the next 27 plus years are as memorable and enjoyable as it has been up to this point in my life. except that screaming eagle incident and when i accidentally sat on my glasses in 6th grade. that was just fuckin embarrassing. other than that, i hope its just as blessed. love yall.
cheers.

wasn't that cute?
im so cute.
::)

[mail lady]

2010-03-29T13:07:00.001-04:00

a few months ago we got a new mail lady. asian. usually i can tell if they're koreans or not, but with the emergence of mongolians, its getting confusing. and pretty damn hard. that is, until today. she walked in the office picking up some stuff. she bent down, and her pants moved up. and then i saw her socks. the three letters confirmed she was korean today.

B. Y. C.

only koreans wear B.Y.C socks. only fobs wear B.Y.C socks. every korean kid growing up in the 90s had a pair of them. i had no idea nike and kirkland made socks. i literally thought the only brands available were byc and alligator socks.

so what else is new? i received the Northern Virginia magazine. this month's highlighted topic? best places to eat. and guess who made the list and got featured? Gom Tang E, and BonChon Chicken. man there missing HoneyPig though. that is the shit. but old school Anaggol was my fave. kalbi dol sot bibimbap. can't touch that. duh duh duh duh.

i wish korean restaurants had better names though. cause a lot of people butcher the names of the restaurants. but i guess "Bone Soup" doesn't sound too appetizing. plus it would get set up for too many penis jokes. BonChon chicken? how about a new name guys? them white folks call it bawn-chawn chicken.

cupcakes is coming to town on may 7th!

my next blog is going to be my 100th. where you at mike? i'm make it extra special.

oh and by the way, "thats what she said" to sentence number four.

::)

[lasagna]

2010-03-25T15:32:00.001-04:00

im in the office and i stop by the kitchen to get some water. i see a microwavable lasagna thats been heated up. it looked good as shit. i was so tempted to just eat it with my hands.
i love stouffers. man how fucked up would it have been if i ate that. and just left the empty tray there.
lol that woulda been so funny.
but i do love lasagna.
man i sound like garfield.

which reminds me of yet another story.
it was my freshman/sophomore year in college. my sister was in high school.
my mom called me and told me she made lasagna for me and my sister. it was one big fuckin pan and i love lasagna.
and then tommy came over
yeah thats right, "uh oh."
we took out a bottle of hot sauce and went to work. two squares of lasagna turned out to be almost the whole pan.
until finally there was one square left and we were surprisingly unsatisfied.
after contemplating, we said fuck it and we ate the last bite. we were then satisfied.

and we left. on the road, i get a phone call from my sister.
i thought "fuck shes going to be pissed" so i didn't pick it up.
she calls again. i didn't pick up.
then i see tommy in his car pick up the phone. and then i see him pull the phone away from his ear.
and then i get another call. i decide to pick up.
im not gonna go into detail but lets just say there were a lot of "f-bombs and i hate yous"
lol man and then my mumzi calls me and chews me out too.

i guess it would be understandable if we were like 13 but we were like 20
lol
sorry sister.

[sparks]

2010-03-24T14:04:00.001-04:00

if i ain't got nothing to write about, then i dont blog. anyways i watched the trailer for the last song with miley cyrus. then i thought about those movies.

a walk to remember.
the notebook.
dear juan.
the last song.

two words.
nicholas sparks.
one word.
gay!

just kidding. a walk to remember...a little TOO girly for my taste. notebook? i liked. rachel mcadams is oh so fine. usually a movie from a sparks novel comes out every couple years, but this year we have the privilege of having two within the span of two months!

best couples?
a) mandy moore and shane notsopopularanymore
b) rachel mccadams and the cornerback who got benched from the titans
c) espn boob grabbing mean girl and channing "duke/dancingguy" tatum
d) miley cyrus and new hottie

e! none of the above cause you all suck! ross and rachel forever! just kidding. i liked rachel mccadams and the white boy with the beard. that kiss in the rain was passionate and romantic.

nicholas sparks is a guy right? does it bother anybody that he writes all these romantic stories about teenagers? what does this guy look like? overweight, balding, glasses from 1994, and has the oh so popular pedophile mustache?
if i wrote a love story and had it published, would you all still be my friends? probably not.

movies i want to watch:
kick ass
hot tub time machine
shes out of my league
diary of a wimpy kid
alice in wonderland

update: i just saw a picture of nicholas sparks
he looks like a normal guy
who would have his own boat

::)

[march is mad]

2010-03-19T14:02:00.000-04:00

madness.
it is march madness and my brackets are getting owned.
some crazy ass games.
i'm watching it at work.
with blogging, checking facebook pages, checking to see if mike updated his blog, and now watching like 823 games online, its a wonder how i get anything done.

march madness these things are always going to happen:
-upsets.
-wondering how a 40 year old black guy passes for being 18 years old
-adult alumni's sitting next to a drunk college kid getting visibly upset at his/her obnoxiousness.
-the same gaht damn whack commercials every damn commercial break
-you can tell in the office people watching the games cause it just gets louder when a big play happens
-either a coach is going to look suspiciously calm like he hit a doobie (i.e villanova) or a coach is going to look constipated (i.e robert morris)
-when the game is on the line, the white guy will shoot the three, the black guy will drive it in or do a mid range jumper
-chubby cheerleaders getting tv time yet the hotties don't for some reason
-me losing $20+ in joining office and friends pools thinking "hey i don't follow college basketball at all but i think its a good idea to put some semi-hard earned money in a bet against people who watch it religiously."
-players crying. which is okay cause its all for the love of the game. but sometimes you can look like a straight up bitch. (i.e adam morrison few years ago). plus i hate it when like a bench warmer who only gets like 2 minute playing time starts to cry. like you were really contributing by high fiving the other players at a time out.
-people who don't follow college basketball or play any sports at all suddenly act like die-hard fans. and blog about it.

i respect the play by play announcers and commentators. of course they get help and have years of experience, knowledge, and other shit but that shit still is hard to say everything that goes on. plus they small talk with the color commentator (not colored as in black, but like the ones who says the more subjective material) a lot.
i wouldn't be able to do neither. with my studdering condition, cursing, nervousness, and lack of an attention span i would miserably fail.

happy friday
its eyebar tonight
lets go get drizzunk
in a safe way though.
man i am getting old.

::)

[cookies n shit]

2010-03-17T16:17:00.000-04:00

you know whats a bad idea? having a bag of cookies in your desk drawer in case you get hungry. cause the bag of cookies is empty now and its only been two days. damn my sweety tooth.

i'm the only one wearing a festive saint pattys day shirt and i feel like a big douchebag. i wonder how awkward everybody would feel if i went pinching them. i bet you i would get in trouble for sexual harrassment or somoething.

in 7th grade i had to do like a 20 page research paper. it was called the "i-search" paper and worth like 60% of our grade. part of the paper was to do an interview with someone related to your subject. mine, was comic books. teheheheh. of course i wanted to interview comic-gods like stan lee or frank miller, but contacting them would have been a little bit of an issue.

and i didn't know who else to interview. a cashier at a comic book store? i don't think so. so what did i do? using the years of practice of creating imaginary friends (just kidding),i made up a bullshit interview. A "man" i created and his name was "frank o'malley." so i faked that huge section of the paper. one might say i was following a graphic novelist's path. i got a B on the paper. i'm lying i think i got a C. But still, Mrs. Inglesby had no idea. it was a very gutsy move on my part.

today, i received a note. it said please call "Frank O'Malley."
and i nearly fainted. my imagination became reality.
even though he worked as a customer relations manager and probably had nothing to do with comics.

::)

[awkward family moments]

2010-03-15T14:51:00.000-04:00

so everybody knows that i'm pretty much a weird guy. so is my sister. my parents? not so much. my cousins? the ones between 1986-1997 are socially awkward. and theres a couple weird ones here and there.
my auntie and uncle came to visit from korea, and we had a family dinner.

before dinner, it started off with a little talking, but once food came out it was really quiet for a good minute.
so my sister decided to start some small talk with my aunt in korean.
sister: gomo, unjae doroh gahshilgguhyaeyo?
translation:
sister: auntie, when are you going to die?
family gasps. i choke on food.
sister: what???.........oh.
and then she covered her face and ran out the room.
pretty much the funniest thing ever.

she was asking when are you returning home, but in korean it translates to when are you dying.

my cousin's kid, is 10 years old. and he's a strange one. a pretty chubby kid.
and yeah, my sister and i don't know his name. and my sister even tried to pull a "so do you have any nicknames your friends call you?"

me: whats your favorite movie?
cousin's son: 2012.
me: oh really thats cool i haven't seen it. whats your favorite part?
cousin's son:i don't know, i haven't seen it yet.
me: oh okay that makes total sense.

me: whats your favorite thing to eat?
cousin's son: i don't know.
me (mumbling): probably things with a lot of butter huh
cousin's son: what?
my sister snickers.
me: oh nothing. so what is it
cousin's son: korean food
me: oh ic anything in particular?
cousin: he loves to eat dwenjangjjigae and kimchee for breakfast.
me: oh okay. cause that doesn't smell at all.

translation: he likes to eat fermented bean soup and fermented cabbage with rice for the breakfast. out of all the korean food, those are the smelliest. i bet he has breath issues.

i am 26 turning 27. my hat size is 7 3/4s. when i was a senior in high school, my hat size was a 7 1/2.
my cousin's son is 10 years old. i put my 7 3/4 hat on him. i can only fit one, ONLY one finger, which means he probably wears a 7 1/2.
he's going to have a lot of t shirts with stretched out neck holes when he grows up.

drunks of the weekend
dhari "car throwuper" kim
mel "cake-eater" chang
share "curtain breakin" chizzai
i miss those days.

[flashback #2 and singing]

2010-03-12T13:16:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday boss. boss birthday means free food and cake. we ordered chinese food and i got a fortune cookie. it said "you are loyal to your family." that is not a fortune. but as soon as i read it i had yet another flashback.

i was in the 11th grade, my sister was 9th. she was the straight A student. me? not so much. lets just say my report cards weren't shy of having other letters. but this particular report card i had a couple D's and a LOT of those "needs to pay attention" comments. which means im probably gonna get my usual 3 hour lecture. luckily, i am very capable of changing my report cards. but i needed another day to do this. so i asked my sister "hey can you wait a day or two to show the report card? I need time to go to kinko's and change it."
my sister rolled her eyes and agreed.

so i'm just chillin in my room, planning my next day. all of a sudden my sister bursts into my room.
sister: "JUST BECAUSE YOU DID BAD THAT DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD HAVE TO HIDE MY REPORT CARD. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO HIDE MINE?? I'M SHOWING IT NOW DAMN IT."
me: "WAIT WAIT WHAT?! YOU BETTER NOT-"
my sister ran down the stairs. i chased after her.
"MARY STOP YOU--"
but it was too late. she already went to the kitchen holding her white paper.
i ran back into my room furious and worried. and thinking "FUCK FUCK."
and of course 3 seconds later i hear the dreaded "JUMAN (my korean name) COME DOWN HERE."
"FUCCCCKKKIN HELLL"
so i went down. my parents already had the angry face. sheesh way to have confidence in your son. in the corner of my eye i see my sister cheerfully walking away. can't be angry now. gotta be calm. clear the mind. think of lies.
parents: "wheres yours."
me: "don't have it."
parents: "where is it."
me: "in my locker"
parents: "why"
me: "forgot it."
parents: "you're lying."
me: "nope."
parents: "yes you are"
me: "no i purposely left it there so you couldn't see it today."
parents: "why is that"
me: "cause i didn't want to get in trouble today."
parents: "why what did you get"
me: "the usual." (lying, i did a lot worse than usual.)
parents: sigh. what are we going to do with you juman.
me: sorry. i'll bring it tomorrow.

safe to say for the next 5 years i held that grudge. and i still won't forget it! still plotting my revenge!

anyways after lunch we're sitting in the lobby with the cake out. right before he was about to cut it, one of my coworker says "wait shouldn't we sing a happy birthday song first?" everybody looks at each other and its agreed that people are too shy to start singing. and then my coworker starts singing "happpy birthday..." and i join in. and usually others do too. the song went like this.

coworker: happy birthday...
me and coworker: to you, happy
(coworker stops singing. probably cause no one else is singing.)
me: birthday to you, happy...
(now im thinking fuck im the only one singing, and i can't stop in the middle of the song this is so awkward)
me: birth....day..to............you... happy..................ahem. (fake cough) ahem.
silence.

boss cuts cake.

happy friday!
::)

[flashback]

2010-03-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

sitting here in my desk i daydream a lot. suddenly i remembered a moment from when i was a child. when i was little i took taekwondo. so of course i was the shit. just kidding. well one day my mom was yelling at me cause i probably did something destructive.

i guess it wasn't too bad of a thing, cause my dad was laughing in the background. but my mom yelled at me and did give me a slight beating. enough to make me cry. and i remembered my instructor saying "use taekwondo to protect yourself." so i got in my stance. and my mom was like "what are you gonna do?" and my dad started laughing even more. and he kept saying "do it! do it!" and then my brain actually agreed and said "do it motherfuckah."

so when i found my chance...BAM! i roundhouse kicked her right in the knee and she fell to the floor. and then after realizing what i had just done, i feared for my life and just bolted out of the room. and of course my parents are screaming out my name. oh man the one time i actually listen to my dad and it turns out he was joking. but i mean what the hell man! i was a kid! i didn't know what joking was! so yeah and then i got my ass beat even more. and then my dad made me write a card to my mom.

now that i think about it, i bet my mom was pissed at my dad that night for egging me on.

::|

[do nuts]

2010-03-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

random thought: i HATE bumping into people at the mall that i don't really know TOO well but i still have to say hi and shit. and do some small talk. so fucking awkward. and then you say "iite man i'll see ya". and then guess what? 5 minutes later you guys bump into each other at the same store. then you have to say the "haha yo man stop following me!" joke. gahd.

yesterday a vendor brought in donuts and coffee. i love donuts. i am on a diet but when a donut appears in my vision i must have it. and that i did. i ate 1.
and then i ate another. and another. i LOVE donuts. and i didn't want to look greedy cause i looked like a poor kid who never ate donuts before. so i took a donut and ate it in the supply room acting like i was looking for a supply. that way, no one would see me eating one. that is how pathetic i became. i steal a donut, hide, and eat it so no one will realize the true fatty that i am. i ate a total of 5 yesterday.

today i walked into work and boss stared at my crotch. it definitely was NOT eye contact. and then said "xyz: examin yo zipper buddy." my fly was open. phew.

when i have pandora playing, rihanna always comes on my damn thing. its so fucking annoying when i have to listen to "shut up and drive." and they always play that bittersweet symphony song.

::)

[manny]

2010-03-06T14:03:00.001-05:00

i was watching last weeks episode of america's best dance crew. last season sucked, but this season is pretty good. there was a couple wierd things though. during the show they show the audience clapping, and sometimes celebrities. and who was in the audience? barry bonds. weird. who else? MANNY fuckin pacquaio. just his mustache smile and clapping, wondering why mario lopez never ages.

anyways this saturday i went laser tagging with some church teachers and church kids. i haven't gone laser tagging since 8th grade with michael varghese and andrew sabri. so there is the "breifing" where they tell you the rules and how to operate the complex equipment strapped onto you. he says "only shoot the person once, cause everytime you shoot them they're going to be down for 20 seconds." the staff guy asks "any questions?"
and a 6 year old kid raises his hand. "i came here for my birthday last year."
and the staff guy smiled and asked "any other question?"
the boy raises his hand up again. stares at all of us. "the lights don't come on until the game starts."
i bet he turns reeeallll annoying when he gets older.

so at first i walked in the "arena" thinking "this shit is so whack." and after shooting a couple kids i realized that it was the best thing on earth.
in the heat of the moment a white girl that looked 20 years old and i faced off.
i shot her once. twice. three times. four times. about to shoot her the 5th time until..
"OKAY OKAY YOU GOT ME YOU JERK. GOSH!" and stormed off.
then i remembered the "only shoot the person once rule." man i have to start paying attention more.
later on i shot her again from the back. tehehehe. then i got scared that she might actually shoot me in real life.

::)

[the jim stories #2]

2010-03-05T11:56:00.001-05:00

yesterday i ate a shitload of food. which means one thing! gotta go to the gym. but oh no! the office one hour special at 9pm! so i'll just go after.

so i left to go to the jim around 10:15. i've never been to my apartment complex jim this late. because its sos small, it was nice cause no one was there, and i could watch whatever i wanted on the tv, and it was calming.

i did my some regular routines, and it was around 10:45. one more rep and its time to hit that blasted treadmill. my biggest enemy. and then BAM! the i hear the door close.

scared the shit out of me. who comes to the gym around 11pm? and then from the corner of my eye, i saw a group of people. then i thought "shit, a bunch of rebellious teenagers probably came out to chill and smoke weed."

and then i hear them speaking spanish. so then i thought "shit, a bunch of mexican rebellious teenagers probably came out to chill and salsa dance."

and then i turn to get some water, and there i saw them. it was about 11 or so mexican adults in jeans and work clothes, looking like they just got off. they probably did. what the fuck! and of course they took over all the treadmills. what the hell mane. i tried to ignore them until they turned on the TELEMUNDO channel. gahd. so i just left. feeling unaccomplished. assholes.

i bet they all live in one apartment too. jk not being racist. but they probably do.

::)

[silent phone]

2010-03-04T11:53:00.000-05:00

i share my office with a coworker. he's real cool, and i couldn't ask for a nicer coworker. the thing is though, he has the characteristics of a redneck. i mean he has the southern twang, hunts, has guns, drives a truck, etc. interestingly enough, he also plays a lot of computer games. oh and he has a pretty hot daugther but thats besides the point. even though he plays computer games a lot, he's really not good with them. not really much of a tech savvy guy. he's always yelling at his computer or blackberry.

i have no idea why he has a blackberry cause he has such a hard time with it. so he's on the phone with clients and sometimes his cell goes off in the middle of his conversation. a normal person would just press the side button or ignore button to put it on silent. i dont think he knows how to do that. instead, when his phone rings like ear-numbingly loud, his eyes gets big like its never rang before. then he takes his phone, looks at whos calling, opens his desk drawer, puts the phone in there while its still ringing, and closes it. which all it does is just muffles down the ring tone a bit.

its a pretty funny occurence. why don't i teach him the silent button? i don't know, i just dont know.

two songs that annoy me:

1. that bed rock song by i don't know who but it has lil wayne. okay the chorus is catchy. but the so called "rap?" is the worst rapping ive heard since brian austin green. tommy sings it a lot and i was interested. but other than the chorus? that shit needs to go.

2. rude boy by rihanna. correct me if i'm wrong, and i don't know if its cause i have a dirty mind, but isn't that song about a penis? first of all, that means guys can't sing along to that song. how gay would it be if a guy sang "come on boy something something get it up". second of all i wouldn't want to sing a long cause i think it sucks. the only good thing about this song is that you can say "thats what she said" after every line. but its not funny because its a girl actually saying it.

thats enough bitching from me.

::)

[chips]

2010-03-03T14:37:00.000-05:00

heres my top chips list.

1. Miss Vickie's Jalapeno chips
2. 7-11 Spicy Jalapeno Chips
3. Dirrty's Jalapeno Chips
4. Cheeto's
5. Miss Vickie's Mesquite BBQ Chips
6. The BBQ chip with the alligator on the front from a long time ago but I dont think they make them anymore.
7. Lay's Salt and Vinegar
8. UTZ Grandma Kettle Cooked Potato Chips
9. UTZ Cheese Curls
10. Sun Chips French Onion

Honorable mention: Dorito's Cool Ranch.

[jim lady]

2010-03-02T09:43:00.000-05:00

so i started going back to the gym lately. slowly trying to get back into somewhat of shape. maybe a triangle. HA! get it? anyways so i'm doing my thang. checkin out the massive guns and pecks in the mirror...on the guy next to me. just kidding. and then the doors open and you hear a mom yelling at his little son walking into the gym.

she yells at him for a couple more seconds, and he goes to the legpress and reads a book. the mom is short and round. and then she took off her jacket. she was wearing a pink shirt. and there it was. her big massively saggy boobs. it was like one of those "gahd what the fuck is that" things. gahd this lady didn't wear a sports bra or anything.

and i'm thinkin.."please don't go on the treadmill or you'll doom us all." i'm workin out and of course she goes on the treadmill. and man those things were going everywhere. im surprised it didn't hit anybody. i was just straight out embarassed for her. lady needs to wear a sports bra or duct tape or something. gravity is not her friend. treadmills aren't either.

::)

[7 springs]

2010-03-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

so we're back from seven springs. safe to say we always lose our secuirty deposit. now we're just wondering how fast we'll lose it.

before all this hoopla of drinking and partying begins, we should all take out our cell phones and turn off alarms. because what is the most annoying thing in the world? waking up at 7 am because someones alarm is going off. and also unplug every digital clock in the house as well.

cause this is what happened in our room. i'm sleeping in the bed, steve and roy are sleeping on the floor. alarm goes off. its 7am.

me: steve...turn..off...the alarm...
steve: its not mine dude
me: ah gahd damn shit fuck
i then spend the next minute or so looking for it. angry as hell. i can't find this piece of shit alarm.
me: steve can you help me look for this piece of shit alarm
steve: dude its not mine.
steve rolls over. the alarm gets softer.
me(thinking): wait a minute...
me: steve roll this way for a sec.
steve rolls back towards me. the alarm gets louder.
me: steve its coming from you man!
steve: DUDE its NOT mine. (pulls out his phone from inside his sleeping bag)
steve: ITS RIGHT.....heree.....wait why is my alarm going off?

turn off alarms so stuff like that won't happen.

2 hours later my alarm goes off. i walk up to it, step on roy, and turn it off.
sorry roy.

never sleep in a room with me, bobby, tommy, or steve. we have natural alarms coming out of our mouths.

[the deli]

2010-02-25T13:19:00.000-05:00

so last week a coworker of mine went to a deli around here and came back and said it was the best damn chicken salad sandwich he had. since then, all my coworkers have been there and ordered the same thing. all came back with either a "pretty damn good, or yeah its probably the best one i had" rating.

might as well try it out right? so today i went. i was excited. i haven't been eating out for lunch in a while, so i was extra excited. so i went inside to order. here we go!

deli lady: han gook booin ishi jiyo? (translation: you're korean aren't you?)
me: neh. (translation: yes.)

of course theyre korean. first of all, koreans love to own delis. second, this deli's name was Rehoboth Deli. we're in manassas. only koreans would name it something wacky like that. third, theres a bulgogi burger on the menu.

anyways i ordered my chicken salad sandwich.

deli lady: chicken salad eenjae ubnundayo. (translation: we ran out of chicken salad.)
me: neh. (yes)

WHAT THE FUCK. ive been waiting SO LONG for this shit. i had a visible dissapointed face.

other deli lady: oree hahkseng hangae mahndahl jookah? (translation: student, would you like us to make you one?)
me: ahniyo. (no)

i didn't know how to say "im not a student, i work in an office." so i didn't correct them and i just ordered a steak and cheese sandwich and left.

my lunch was very anticlimatic.

::(

[notifcations]

2010-02-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

my blog has been unentertaining.
sorry to my loyal fanbase. (tommy and bobby)

so i ALMOST missed a credit card payment. and i was like fuck this i have to make sure i get notified so i went to the alert section. they ask

would you like to be notified by email? cellphone? i checked both.

We will send you a notification 25 days before your payment is due. What the fuck kind of notification is that. You can't even change the # of days! its supposed to help notify the people who haven't paid their shit yet!

its like my mom telling me i have a family dinner in a month and that is the only time she's going to tell me. sure i could be more responsible but technology is supposed to help me remember to be responsible.

fucking credit cards.

::)

[live from olympics]

2010-02-23T23:02:00.000-05:00

kim euna (or yuna).
someone needs to pluck her damn eye brows.
i've never been so damn tense watching figure skating.
why is always korea vs japan in something?
LOL the korean girl just picked her nose in front of millions of viewers
this girl has charisma.
you can tell she watches korean pop group performances with the winks and smiles.
where is the annoying "dae han mingook" chant.
lol this bitch killed it!

[yawn]

2010-02-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

do you yawn at work?
apolo ohno yawns before his race. everytime he yawned i wanted to throw something at him. he says cause he's "tired" from the lack of sleep or that he gets more oxygen in that way.

my ass. maybe one or two were real i dont know. but there were DEFINITLY fake yawns in that bunch. why would he "yawn"? maybe so he could blame on his supposed "tiredness."

really bothered me this wiikend.
why did i spell it wiikend?
cause i received to new games as gifts recently.
new super mario wii
and
Little Big Planet

man thats all i did this weekend.
like literally.
and slept and ate.
and watched friday night lights.

that was awesome.
::)

[greatest football things]

2010-02-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

Football is great. But the things related to football are the best. Here is my list of the greatest football things of all time. No certain order. Cept number 1.

On Side Kicks
Friday Night Lights (the movie)
Adam Sandler ie. Longest Yard and Waterboy
Joe Montana
Gridiron Gang
Cheerleaders
The only sport that fat people, skinny people and built people can play.
Cleveland Browns colors
Peyton Manning
EA Sports Madden (video game series)
Redskins
Remember the Titans
Tom Brady's ruggedly good looks
Kathy Ireland in Necessary Roughness

1. Texas Forever. Friday Night Lights (the tv series)

[friday again]

2010-02-19T10:15:00.000-05:00

and just when you thought men's figure skating couldn't get any gayer...
[insert johnny weir picture here]
i tried looking for a picture on google to put there but i was afraid my coworker would catch me and i would look like total homoness or big johnny weir fan.

i wonder what would piss bobby off more
-having a son who is a mediocre figure skater
-having a son who is plays field hockey

girls snowboarding halfpipe thing. the olympic commitee should learn/know this. always put the dominant players/riders after mediocre players/riders. for instance, let the females go first on the half pipe competition. reasons being? the world already saw the men do crazy flips, get high air, and all that shnazz. you never start with the main event first.
its like letting paq vs mayweather fight first.
and then you expect the world to watch me and wally to box afterwards.
just doesn't make sense.

happy friday
::)

[sorry]

2010-02-18T15:14:00.001-05:00

its too funny.

http://www.youtube.com/tsuzii#p/u/9/6XF0k4GzwBM

[stolen]

2010-02-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

so the olympics. you know the skating race where the koreans were top 3 and then two idiots fell out? i was talking about that with beardy (my coworker). and i said how its so funny how everybody gears up to look like theyre gonna burst out skating with crucial speed but then when the horn sounds they just look like they're walking. and i did my impression and so on. and he had a good chuckle.

i went to bathroom. i was walking back and listening to a conversation. it was beardy and boss.

"and its funny how they all position themselves to look like they're going to go at it as soon as the horn sounds but when it does, they all look like its walking and or that its a fault!"

what the hell man! he stole my joke!
im gonna grow a beard and steal his bearding thunder.

::)

[giving up]

2010-02-17T10:05:00.001-05:00

today is ash wednesday, the beginning of lent.
that means i have to give up something.

what do i do that is bad and that i love
-eating bad food (fast food, fried food)
-eating sweets. like a lot.
-waking up late and coming into work late
-farting in tommys room when he's not there
-smoking
-cursing (i don't think its bad. i think its just a form of expression. the meaning is the same! analogy time! poop = shit and eclectic=variety! means the same thing. but others think its bad. i guess its bad when little kids curse. but then again if its bad for them why isn't it bad for us? well as adults we have the privilege to say what we want. right? am i an adult? most of yous probably don't think i act like one. suck it.)
-spending 8hrs of work not working.
-not working out

i realized every year ive been blogging i always listed what i was gonna give up. and i wonder how much longer this topic is going to last?

my creative juices for blogging have been squeezed out.
will mike win?

::)

[people]

2010-02-15T10:17:00.000-05:00

happy birthday wally. wally blacked out. he was peeing outside. while peeing, he slipped and fell over. on top the snow.

this is my new hobby. but this one was for her for vday.

people who pissed me off this weekend.

if you're driving 5 mph under the speed limit in the left lane, move the fuck over, or die.

if you're country is in the top 3 places in the final lap of a race, don't fuck up! and become the "wtf was that!" conversation monday morning! GAHD. at least its a conversation starter.

if you're going to order food at a table, don't just eat fucking leave without chipping in. throw DOWN. and not make people who didn't drink or eat anything pay. fuckin chubs n mcugly.

if you're getting the opportunity to participate in a slam dunk competition, don't do something stupid that i can do jumping off my bed. pathetic.

if you're stuck behind someone who has their car stuck in the snow in a one lane, one way street with traffic backed up like hell, get your ass out and help push. and not wait for me and john hur to save the day.

if you're giving directions, make sure you don't mix up NW and NE of d.c. lol just kidding hurjor.

[battle]

2010-02-12T15:16:00.000-05:00

mike considers me a blog rival. i consider him a blogfriend. what an ass. this ain't letterman vs leno. whats with the polka dots mike. your background looks like wallpaper for a murderer's bathroom from the 1970s.

today we had a meeting about business cards. business cards, ladies and gentlemen. its like having a meeting about stamps. anyways, i made and ordered business cards for my coworkers. my boss told me to put the title "sales consultant". and Mr Betes moaned and groaned. "i ain't part of sales" or "i hate anything with the word 'sales' on it." so my boss asked him. what do you do? "...sales..."so now i have to order new ones. new titles i've been thinking of:

guy who complains all the time
guy who makes larry do everything
guy who never gets out of his chair
or my personal favorite: McFatty

this weekend it seems like everybodys tryin to go out due to being stuck inside from the snow blijjard. the traffic and parking condition is going to be out of control. im expecting mad traffic.

happy friday ::)

[oh boy]

2010-02-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

last night i had a dream. i was at a concert with the most popular boy from my 6th grade class. that...was weird.

LOL did yall read mike's blog? #60. allroadsleadtomike.blogspot.com
where the hell does he find these pictures?

if you don't know, i live with tommy. he hasn't had work since friday because of the snow. yesterday i was snowed in too. i witnessed his snowday life schedule.

wake up.
eat.
lay down.
poop.
watch tv.
nap.
wake up.
sharon yells at him for napping.
eat.
lay down.
watch tv.
poop.
eat.
watch tv.
nap.
wake up.
sharon yells at him for napping.
watch tv.
sleep.

seriously. he's been doing that for 4 days straight now not including the weekend. he basically lives the life of a dog without the walks.

::

[ending]

2010-02-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

constant blizzards...earthquakes around the world...flus.... apocalypse? the world is ending!!

so it started snowing last night. A LOT. and sharon found out she had to work at home. well, our home. tommy found out he had no work when there was govt offices were closed. what about me?

12 am, no update. i even woke up at 730 to check (i usually wake up at 830). NO update.

8:30...NO UPDATE!

8:45...text "Offices closed."

>::(

[saints]

2010-02-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

as for my final blog of the weekend, congrats saints. i wanted both teams to win. how awesomely gay would that be though.

i bet theres a lot of boobies popping out in new orleans right now. congrats saints, you've started a celebration that will trash new orleans once again. do you ever wonder why that place is so messed up as it is?

"this win is going to help the city of new orleans." um. HOW?! that place is going to get trashed!

riot. RIOT.RIOT.

::)

[mega cabin fever]

2010-02-07T20:16:00.000-05:00

i have lived in my hotel room for one week now. gaht its one week too much. today i put a "do not disturb" on my door handle so i could sleep long time. but i guess it fell off cause the maid opened the door. while i was only wearing my boxers changing and eating a sandwich

maid: OH! i'm sorry! (she then closes her eyes)

me: oh its okay.

maid: will you be...oh i come again later

me: oh no its okay you can ask.

(maid opens her eyes. just stares at me. i stare at her back. i think we are both dumbfounded cause its so awkward.)

maid: um will you be staying here another day?
me: i guess so.

(maid closes her eyes again)

maid: okay do you need any towels?

me: no i'm okay

maid: oh okay sorry

me: okay bye!

so awkward.

i decided to stay in my hotel the whole time. ive been watching. wizards at waverly place. first time watching. not a bad show.

To catch a predator. that show is too funny. like what the fuck is a 40 year old man doing with a 14 year old boy. i just hope one day that i don't see one of my friends on it. cause i would call them and say "DUDE I JUST SAW YOU ON TV"

Superbowl commercials. Haven't been able to see all of them. these days companies try so hard to make their commercials funny that its like okay thats a little overboard here. but actually this year it seems a little better.

caught up on lost. i have NO idea what the fuck is going on. i just know that they're never going to happy and hugo is going to get diabetes.

[favorite places]

2010-02-06T23:11:00.001-05:00

i walked about 3 miles shopping today. there was a guy buying a valentines day card today. this guy looked like he was a wreck. i bet he woulda felt more comfortable buying a porno in front of a priest.

every block here in boston has at least one dunkin donuts. now i know why. it was started here! but sorry boston.

krispy kreme > dunkin donuts. for real.

i went to a comic book store. it was one of the best places i've ever been. it had comics, graphic novels, cds, dvds, t shirts, novelty gifts, shoes, games EVERYTHING THAT I LOVE. the ONLY thing they didn't have was ice cream.

that reminds me. here are some of my favorite places of all time. (not in any order)

1. that clothing store that gina hahn took us in canada. i loved that store.

2. newbury comics! (the place i just talked about)

3. jmu. you semi remember why!

4. daedalus. enough said.

5. 1223. once daedalus disappeared, we thought we would be lost forever. but 1223 stepped up its game.

6. houses on colchester (sp?) dahari's deck and dahari's uncles place

7. #407, 90th street, Ocean City, MD. if you don't know, you don't know.

8. woogy's basement. sounds like an adult video store.

9. church. not to sound gay and corny but funny and fun as fuck times there.

10. TAO.

11. larry's lounge. (not the gay bar in adams morgan and NOT cake lounge. im talking about my basement before my sister moved in)

12. Pizza Mart

13. THE HOLE. you'll never know.

14. roy and bobby's apt in corea.

16. good bar (corea)

17. Forum Shoppes (caesar's)

18. Johnson Center 3rd floor. with the originals. tommy, steve, john kang, bobby, john hur, julia, maria.

19. nul bom.

20. deep creek. original house.

21. hanna and robins ::(richmond)

22. best buy. come on man. even the laundry machine areas are even cool.

23. costco.

24. La Patiessere.

25. Eatery.

26. IHOP.

27. FUR on september 13th's.

28. Clarendon ballroom. i like the dance floor and how all the white people stare at the group of asians.

29. A & T's chicken.

30. Guapo's.

31. sunday funday place.

32. Walker Hill Hotel, Korea. Cleanest bathroom of all time.

i think thats it.